9 subtle signs of manipulation to look out for

Not all manipulation looks like yelling, name-calling, or blatant control. Let's talk about some subtle signs of manipulation to look out for. 

Some of the most dangerous dynamics are subtle - just enough to keep you second-guessing yourself.

Related read: Signs of coercive control in relationships 

Subtle signs of manipulation to look out for

Here are a few less obvious, but deeply exhausting control tactics to look out for:

• You think ten steps ahead before speaking or acting, trying to predict and prevent their reactions. IT. IS. EXHAUSTING.
• Sleep deprivation - they pick fights or want to “talk” late into the night when you’re too tired to think straight.
• Big days become sabotage opportunities - birthdays, holidays, achievements get hijacked or ruined. They pick fights, make scenes, or disappear. Somehow, it always ends up about them.
• Jealousy masquerading as concern = they accuse you of flirting, looking at someone, or “ignoring” them any time you’re happy, social, or shining. Refusing to celebrate your wins -when you’re up, they’re cold.
• When you’re glowing, they cut you down. You start shrinking to avoid the backlash.
• Weaponized ‘hurt feelings’ - you mention something that upset you, and suddenly they’re the victim. You end up comforting them for the harm they caused.
• “I was just joking” as a get-out-of-jail-free card - they mock or insult you, then blame your reaction for ruining the moment.
• So called 'Schrodingers Douchebag' by the Urban dictionary (love).
• Shifting standards - you do exactly what they asked last week, but now it’s wrong. You can never win, because the rules keep changing.

These are all ways control gets disguised as concern, closeness, or “just being honest.” They mess with your sense of reality, drain your energy, and make you question your own damn needs.

What you can do about it (even if you're not ready to leave yet) 

Start naming the patterns

Even just to yourself. Keep a notes file. Use words like “DARVO”, “breadcrumbing”, or “gaslighting”. Language gives you clarity.

Validate your own experience

You don’t need anyone else to agree with you for it to be real. If it feels off, that’s your data. Seek a safe space with people, or a guide who knows what the F you are dealing with (hello, my name's Erika).

Explore my free Meetups here.

Ground in reality

When your brain is spinning, anchor yourself:

• What do I know for sure?
• What actually happened?
• What do I feel in my body right now?

Write it out somewhere (secret), as revisiting the patterns in full can be eye-opening and very affirming.

Reduce emotional reactivity

Manipulators thrive off your reactivity. You can regulate not to please them - but to stay rooted in yourself.

Get support from safe people

You don’t have to explain this to people who don’t get it. But there are people who do. Find them. Talk to them. Let them mirror back the truth.

You’re Not Overreacting. You’re Waking Up. Being manipulated doesn’t mean you’re weak - it means someone exploited your empathy, your desire to connect, your willingness to try.

You're a decent F*cking person who wants to think the best of people. And now? You get to reclaim your clarity. Your instincts. Your self.

You’re not crazy. You’re not imagining it. And you’re not alone.

Let’s name the games - and stop playing them This is exactly the kind of work I guide survivors through inside the 6 Keys to Unfuckwithable - especially the Abuse Dynamics, Boundaries, and Nervous System pieces.

Ready for the next step in your healing journey? 

🔓 Join Thrive Resource Library for only $7/monthly to receive access to trauma-informed guides and resources that will help you to recognize abuse and learn the first steps to take in your healing journey. 

💬 Book your 1:1 Laser Coaching Session with me to get a chance to do a deep-dive in your story and evaluate what is the next best step to take. 

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