Identifying manipulation tactics in relationships (so you stop questioning your sanity)

Do you find yourself repeatedly questioning your sanity? It's time to talk about identifying manipulation strategies in relationships - so you can spot them a mile away! 

Let’s get real - manipulation doesn’t always look like control or domination. Most of the time, it looks like confusion.

Like walking away from a conversation unsure what just happened. Like feeling bad, even when you did nothing wrong. If you’ve been in a relationship where you constantly feel like the problem, where the goalposts keep moving, or where your words are always twisted, you’re not “too sensitive” - you’re likely being manipulated.

And the worst part? The longer it happens, the more it erodes your self-trust. It starts almost imperceptibly and builds - one small denial or minimizing of your experience at a time.

This guide is here to help you spot the patterns, call them by name, and start trusting your f*cking instincts again. Your internal compass knows sh*t. It often just has trouble getting your trust enough to act FOR your best interests and bypass your attachment and nervous systems.

What is manipulation?

Manipulation is covert control - a pattern of behavior designed to influence you, guilt you, confuse you, or push you into doing what someone else wants… without them having to say it outright.

It’s not always obvious. In fact, manipulation thrives in the grey areas.

It leaves you second-guessing, replaying conversations, and explaining yourself over and over. Like the science experiment frog in the gradual, but increasingly warm water; that poor little dude doesn’t know he’s been boiled alive until he is floating on the top.

Common manipulation tactics 

Manipulation tactic no.1: Gaslighting

I know, I know - the term "gaslighting" is thrown around so much these days that it might make your eyes roll. But stick with me.

The term actually comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her own reality by doing things like dimming the gas lights in their home and then denying that the lights changed at all.

It's a masterclass in psychological manipulation.

In real life, gaslighting can be just as insidious. It's not always as overt as someone telling you you're crazy. It’s denying your reality, distorting the facts, or making you feel like you’re imagining things…the subtle undermining of your perception:​

• "I never said that." (when you know they did)​
• "You're just being overly sensitive."​
• "That never happened."​
• “You’re remembering it wrong.”

Over time, these comments erode your self-trust, making you question your own memories and feelings.

You might start to feel like you're losing your grip on reality, just like Ingrid Bergman's character in Gaslight.​

Red flag: You start recording conversations or writing things down because you’re not sure what’s real anymore. If you are Googling someone’s behavior or how you feel around them - it ain’t a GOOD sign!

Manipulation tactic no.2: Guilt-Tripping

They make you feel bad for having boundaries, needs, or feelings.

• “After everything I’ve done for you...”
• “Wow, I guess I just don’t matter to you.”
• “I guess I am the worst partner/parent in the world then huh?”

Red flag: You find yourself saying yes when you mean no - just to avoid the guilt hangover. You feel that churning in your stomach, feeling like a monster, with ‘Ugh I shouldn’t have said anything' replaying in your mind.

Manipulation tactic no.3: Silent Treatment & Withholding

They go cold, withdraw, or give you the silent treatment as punishment. Freeze you out completely, or withdraw affection, words or touch until you can’t take it and capitulate. No response. No eye contact. Just coldness until you “fix it.”

Red flag: You’re constantly apologizing just to get connection back, even when you don’t know what you did wrong. Every cell in you screaming with the primal feeling that you will be cast out, rejected and abandoned.

Manipulation tactic no.4: Love-Bombing Then Devaluation

They start off overly affectionate, obsessed, all-in. Then suddenly? Cold, critical, disinterested.

“You’re my soulmate” turns into “You’re too much” overnight.

Red flag: You’re stuck chasing the version of them that showed up at the beginning. Not only confusing, but disorienting and craving the next time you will earn a crumb of approval.

Manipulation tactic no.5: DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender)

When you bring up something they did, they flip it so you end up defending yourself.

You: “It hurt when you ignored me.”

Them: “Wow, you’re attacking me again. I can’t do anything right with you.” “I feel like I am never going to be able to please you, meet your standards”

Red flag: Every conversation ends with you feeling like the bad guy, and them the hurt party. 

Manipulation tactic no.6: Triangulation

They bring in third parties (real or imagined) to make you feel jealous, insecure, or like you’re competing for their attention.

• “Well, my ex never had a problem with this.”
• “Even my therapist thinks you’re overreacting.”

Red flag: You start feeling like you have to earn your place. Like love is a competition.

Manipulation tactic no.7: Intermittent Reinforcement (Breadcrumbing)

They give you just enough affection, attention, or approval to keep you hooked but never enough for true stability.

One day, they’re sweet. The next, they’re distant. Rinse and repeat.

Red flag: You feel addicted to the highs and devastated by the lows but you can’t let go. This often is so impactful if you have grown up chasing love from a parent or caregiver that you felt was just out of reach.

How to know if it’s manipulation or miscommunication

• You feel worse about yourself after most interactions
• You explain the same things over and over and still get misunderstood
• You’re scared to bring things up because you already know how they’ll react
• You doubt your own memory, needs, or reactions more and more
• If you’re constantly feeling confused, drained, or like you’re walking on eggshells - it’s not just poor communication. It’s emotional manipulation.

Ready for the next step in your healing journey? 

🔓 Join Thrive Resource Library for only $7/monthly to receive access to trauma-informed guides and resources that will help you to recognize abuse and learn the first steps to take in your healing journey. 

💬 Book your 1:1 Laser Coaching Session with me to get a chance to do a deep-dive in your story and evaluate what is the next best step to take. 

For more content follow @theerikaleon on Instagram.