Emotional Regulation Strategies for abuse survivors

Let’s just say it: emotional regulation isn’t about “calming down.” So what are some emotional regulation strategies for abuse survivors that actually work?

It’s not about shoving your feelings down, smiling through the storm, or taking deep breaths while someone disrespects you.

In fact—not every emotion needs to be regulated.

Some emotions need to be felt, fully. Some need to move through you like a wave. Some need to erupt like a volcano. Some need to be witnessed, not smoothed out.

So if you’ve ever used emotional regulation tools as a way to make yourself more “tolerable” to others? Or to skip past your anger, your grief, your fire just so you can seem okay on the outside? This blog is here to challenge that.

This isn’t about bypassing your truth. This is about you having the tools to hold your truth without burning up inside it.

If you’ve survived narcissistic abuse, high-control relationships, or trauma that left your nervous system spinning—regulating your emotions sometimes isn’t optional. It’s survival work.

Because when your body has learned that love is unpredictable, that safety is conditional, and that you are responsible for other people’s feelings, your nervous system doesn’t care how smart or self-aware you are. It only cares about survival.

So here’s how we stop white-knuckling our way through dysregulation and start actually learning how to feel safe inside ourselves again.

First: What Emotional Dysregulation Looks Like in Abuse Survivors

It’s not always big, dramatic breakdowns. Most often, it shows up in micro ways:

• You shut down or freeze when conflict starts—even when you want to speak up
• You obsess over texts, tone, or silence, reading between the lines until you can’t think straight
• You cry at “inappropriate” times, not because you’re weak—but because your body hits overload
• You swing between numb and overwhelmed, often in the same hour
• You try to intellectualize your emotions instead of feeling them
• You find it hard to relax even in safe situations—your body is still waiting for impact

This isn’t you being “too sensitive” or “too much.” This is your nervous system stuck in survival mode.

So What Is Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation isn’t about suppressing emotions—it’s about building the capacity to feel without getting hijacked.

It means:

• Being able to feel anger without imploding or exploding. In fact, using anger for fuel in the tank to stand up for yourself is a F*ck YES for me!
• Staying present through fear or sadness without shutting down
• Knowing how to come back to your center after being triggered—yourself being a loving place to land
• And most importantly: teaching your body that you are safe now. Even if it wasn’t safe before.

Strategies That Actually Work (Especially If You Have a Trauma History)

These aren’t one-size-fits-all. They’re here for you to try, tweak, and return to. Think of them as tools, not rules. Use them when you feel they serve your healing—not when you feel like you “should” be fine for someone else’s comfort.

1. Orienting to Safety

Your nervous system responds to your environment. When you feel anxious, look around and actively notice what’s neutral or safe:

• Name 3 things you see
• Name 3 sounds you hear
• Place one hand on a surface and name the texture

This signals to your body: “We are here. We are now. And we are safe.”

2. Name the State, Not Just the Feeling

Instead of just “I’m anxious,” try:

• “My body feels like it’s bracing for something.”
• “I’m in a freeze response.”
• “This feels familiar—like I’m back in that old survival pattern.”

When we name what’s happening in the body, we create separation from the story—and more capacity to stay with it.

3. Use Rhythm to Regulate

Rhythmic movement or sound helps the nervous system downshift. Try:

• Walking while counting your steps
• Drumming your hands on your thighs or chest
• Rocking gently side to side

The body loves rhythm. It’s primal. It tells your system: we’re okay now.

4. Low-Impact Vagal Toning

You don’t have to do complex breathwork. Try:

• Humming (long, low hums)
• Gargling water
• Splashing cold water on your face
• Placing your hands and wrists in cold water, and putting your tongue on the roof of your mouth

These stimulate the vagus nerve and help bring your body back into regulation gently.

5. Containment: Holding, Not Suppressing

Sometimes the emotion is too big to fully process in the moment. That’s okay. Try “containing” it:

• Visualize putting the feeling in a jar or box temporarily
• Say: “I will come back to this later, when I have space.”
• Place both hands on opposite arms and apply gentle pressure

You’re not ignoring it, you’re telling your system, “I can hold this safely now, on my terms.”

6. Track the Shift

After you try a regulation practice, pause and notice what changed.

• Is your breathing slower?
• Are your shoulders lower?
• Is there more space inside?

Tracking helps your brain link the practice with the payoff. That’s how we build trust with our bodies again. Also, noticing if you feel good or calm when you are in certain body positions means you can reverse engineer that anytime you wish.

This Is a Practice, Not a Performance

You won’t get this “right.” You don’t need to.

You just need to begin. To build a bridge back to your body. To offer yourself presence, instead of panic.

Emotional regulation isn’t about fixing your feelings. It’s about creating safety inside yourself, one gentle moment at a time.

And when you're ready, there's deeper work you can do. This is exactly the kind of work I guide survivors through inside the 6 Keys to Unfuckwithable—especially in the Nervous System, Boundaries, and Inner Child modules.

You’re not too much. You’re just carrying too much without the tools to hold it.

Let’s change that. Together.