Let’s talk about forgiving after abuse. It is a must to forgive to heal? Is forgiving a part of healing journey? And what to do if you don’t see forgiving your abuse? (By the way, you don’t need to!)

 

One listener shared something that wasn’t even a question. It was a moment. And it perfectly captures what inner child healing actually looks like in real life.

Listen to the full podcast episode here:

After listening to an episode on inner child work, she paused the podcast, lay down with her stuffed zebra, and spoke to herself with compassion. She told herself:

• You are not a failure
• Your life has not been a waste
• You are learning and getting stronger
• You are not broken

Then she hit play again… and heard the exact same words reflected back.

That’s not coincidence. That’s connection.

This is what trusting yourself looks like. It’s not always some big, mystical experience. Sometimes it’s you, lying on your bed, hugging something soft, and finally giving yourself the words no one else gave you.

This is how shame gets rewired. This is how power gets reclaimed.

Even if you don’t remember your childhood clearly, you can still do this work. Your inner child can be you yesterday, or even you this morning.

Why Taking Action in Healing Feels So Hard

Let’s be real for a second. Doing something that helps you heal can feel weirdly difficult.

After narcissistic or emotionally abusive relationships, many women experience a freeze response. Decision-making feels heavy. Even small actions feel like climbing a mountain.

So pausing a podcast and actually doing the exercise? That’s huge.

It might look small from the outside, but internally, it’s a massive shift. It’s you choosing yourself in a moment where you could’ve easily stayed stuck.

Do You Have to Forgive Your Parents for Childhood Trauma?

How do you forgive your parents for the messages they gave you as a child?

Short answer? You don’t have to.

Many women are taught that forgiveness is a moral obligation, proof that you’re a good person, or required for healing. But that narrative deserves a side-eye.

Forgiveness is not the same as healing.

You don’t need to forgive someone to move forward. You don’t need closure from the person who hurt you. And you definitely don’t owe anyone access to you just because you’ve “forgiven” them.

What Forgiveness Actually Means (And What It Doesn’t)

Forgiveness does not mean:

• You’re okay with what happened
• The other person is off the hook
• Everything is fine now
• They get a clean slate

Especially when it comes to abusive parents or childhood trauma, those experiences don’t disappear just because you decided to be the “bigger person.”

What people often really want is:

• Peace
• Relief
• Emotional freedom
• Less overthinking and rumination

Instead of asking “How do I forgive them?”, try asking: What do I want to feel instead?

Then work backwards. You can create those feelings without involving them at all.

You don’t need a letter. You don’t need a conversation. You don’t need spiritual bypassing.

You can build peace internally, on your terms.

The Role of Anger in Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Anger is not a problem to fix. It’s information. It’s energy. It’s often a necessary stage of healing.

But women are often told to:

• Soften it
• Move past it quickly
• Be “graceful” about it

If you rush through anger, it doesn’t disappear. It just shows up later in different ways.

Healing is not linear. You don’t graduate from anger. You move through it, revisit it, and process deeper layers over time.

Do You Have to Forgive a Narcissistic Abuser?

No, you do not owe your abuser forgiveness. Forgiveness has often been weaponized to silence survivors, pressure them into being “nice,” or excuse harmful behavior. You’re still picking up the pieces, and people are telling you to let it go? That’s not healing. That’s avoidance.

Abuse is not a one-time mistake. It’s a pattern of behavior. And recognizing that matters.

If Not Forgiveness, Then What?

1. Integration

Acknowledge what happened without minimizing it. “This happened. It mattered. It hurt me.”

2. Boundaries

Decide what access, if any, this person has to you now.

3. Emotional Release

Allow anger, grief, and sadness without rushing through them.

4. Indifference

That moment when they no longer live in your head rent-free.

That’s freedom.

Redefining Forgiveness on Your Terms

If you choose forgiveness, make it yours, not inherited from family, religion, or society.

• What does forgiveness mean to me?
• What was I taught it should mean?
• Do I actually believe that?

Your version should feel light, empowering, and supportive. Not forced or performative.

Sit quietly. Breathe slowly. Then ask yourself:

• What does forgiveness mean to me?
• What do I think it’s supposed to mean?
• What do I actually want instead?

Let your body answer, not just your mind.

Final Thoughts: You Don’t Owe Anyone Your Healing Process

Healing from narcissistic abuse is not neat. It’s not linear. And it doesn’t follow anyone else’s timeline.

Whether you choose forgiveness, redefine it, or reject it entirely, that choice is yours.

You are allowed to heal in a way that actually feels true to you.