Category: Healing After Abuse

Today, we’re getting real about that vicious little voice in your head. The one that says you’re not smart enough. You’ll mess it all up. Everyone’s laughing at you.

That voice is not you. I want you to hear that in capital letters in your mind. It is not you. It was installed.

This is the second key in my framework: the inner critic. And before you roll your eyes and think this is going to be some fluffy self-help chat about “just be nicer to yourself,” let me stop you right there. That’s not what this is.

When you actually start peeling this back, it’s deep. It’s uncomfortable. It’s wildly insightful. I wish I’d done this work sooner. So if I can help you hack something that took me decades to understand, I’m going to.

Listen to the full episode of The Messy Middle Podcast instead:

What Is the Inner Critic, Really?

When I talk about the inner critic after emotional or narcissistic abuse, I’m not talking about the occasional negative thought. I’m talking about the background noise that shapes how you feel in your body before you even realize it.

You might not have slowed down time enough to catch it yet. Most of us haven’t.

But it’s there.

It’s the voice that sounds suspiciously like your earliest critic. Or the partner who hurt you. It’s the one whispering that you’ll never amount to anything. That you’re too much. Not enough. That you always ruin things. That everyone is secretly laughing at you.

And here’s the truth that changed everything for me. That voice is a nervous system strategy. It’s a survival voice.

You learned it somewhere. At some point, it helped you stay safe. It kept you small so you wouldn’t get punished. It kept you quiet so you wouldn’t be humiliated. It kept you agreeable so you wouldn’t be abandoned.

Your nervous system took notes. It built a plan. And now that plan runs automatically.

The Day My Inner Critic Went Into Overdrive

Let me tell you the story I haven’t really spoken about before.

It was 2018. The day of my very first in-person support group. It was being held at my friend’s place, covered in mirrors. I had already been seeing clients quietly through word of mouth for a couple of years, but this felt different.

This felt like stepping into the spotlight.

I was still struggling financially. Still licking my wounds. Still rebuilding after divorce and betrayal. But I wanted to help people so badly. I had decided I was doing this come hell or high water.

My nervous system did not agree.

The inner critic was raging. Who do you think you are? What if nobody comes? What if they think you’re full of shit? What if you blow up your entire life with this?

I was sweating. Nauseous. Hands gooey. Honestly, I thought I might puke. I was catastrophizing so hard I could practically see the headlines in my own brain.

Two hours before it started, I realized I’d forgotten to buy name labels. And instead of just thinking, “Oh, I’ll pop to the shop,” my brain went, “This is a sign. You shouldn’t be doing this at all.”

I was panic-walking around Office Depot thinking, I can still cancel. I can still get out of this.

And then something happened.

The Moment Everything Clicked

I looked up and saw someone who used to work in the company I shared with my ex-husband. They had been there during the worst years. The cheating. The betrayal. The chaos.

We locked eyes.

If you’ve ever been through a messy divorce with a partner who wants to protect their image at all costs, you’ll understand the paranoia. You never know who believes what. Who’s aligned with who. Who thinks you’re the crazy one.

For years, this person had gone quiet. I assumed they thought the worst of me.

Part of me wanted to hide behind a display of pens.

Instead, they walked toward me and pulled me into a hug. They cried. They apologized. They told me they had been forced into silence during the court battles. That they had always felt bad. That they were glad I was helping other women now.

It was not what I expected.

And in that moment, it was like dominoes falling. All the sentences that had been rattling around in my head for years suddenly sounded different.

• You’re nothing without me.
• You’ll never survive on your own.
• You’re not smart enough.
• You’ll fuck it up.

They weren’t my words. They were echoes.

Echoes of criticism. Of subtle put-downs. Of years of being chipped away at while believing that was “love.” Seeing that person at that exact moment felt like the universe bitch-slapping my inner critic and gently escorting her back into the corner.

A couple of hours later, I walked into that support group. Still scared. But steady. It was a huge success. Those first members are still in my life. The group now has thousands of people. If I had listened to my inner critic that day, none of that would exist.

How the Inner Critic Forms in the First Place

The inner critic doesn’t just sound like your ex. Sometimes it sounds like you. That’s what makes it so convincing.

If you grew up with conditional love, your nervous system learned fast. Maybe you were only safe when you were quiet. Or helpful. Or high-achieving. Maybe you were praised for being the strong one. The smart one. The easy one.

Your nervous system wrote down the rules.

• Be perfect.
• Be small.
• Don’t mess up.
• Don’t make them mad.
• Don’t ask for anything.
• Be easy to love.

That voice became an internalized jailer. It believed it was protecting you.

It’s not evil. It’s outdated. It’s like a smoke alarm going off because you burned the toast. Loud. Dramatic. Technically trying to help. Completely disproportionate to the actual threat.

How to Actually Expose Your Inner Critic

Here’s where the work gets practical.

Most of the day, we’re on autopilot. Chopping vegetables. Driving. Folding laundry. Our minds drift. And it’s in those unconscious moments that the inner critic loves to run.

You might start the day feeling neutral and suddenly notice you feel like shit. Shoulders slumped. Head down. Tight chest.

Track it back. What were the last 10 thoughts?

You might not catch the first 200, but you can usually catch the tail end. And if you make a promise to yourself to write them down for two weeks, patterns will emerge.

When I did this, I realized my inner critic had a vernacular. An accent. Specific phrases that mirrored my earliest critic and later my ex.

It was chilling. But it was also freeing. Because once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

The Mirror Exercise That Changes Everything

This exercise is simple and brutal in the best way.

First, write down three to five of your loudest critical thoughts. The ones you hear on repeat.

Things like:

• You’re not enough.
• You ruin everything.
• No one would choose you.
• You’ll always fail. Why even try?

Now imagine standing in front of a mirror. But the reflection is not adult you. It’s five-year-old you.

Soft cheeks. Big eyes. Hoping you’ll say something kind. Now read those sentences to her. Out loud if you can. Notice what happens in your body.

Is there revulsion? Tears? A protective instinct? Does your stomach drop? Does your chest ache? That reaction is the real you.

You would never speak to a child that way. And if you can’t say those words to her, they were never yours to begin with.

The inner critic is training. It is not truth.

Why Awareness Is the First Step to Reprogramming

You are never going to hate yourself into change.

The first step is awareness. Shine a light on what’s happening in there. Once you understand why the voice formed, you can bring compassion instead of shame.

When you notice you feel like shit, slow down time. Ask what thoughts led up to it. Write them down. Then consciously re-parent yourself.

Move the critic aside. Replace it with something restorative. Something kind. Something grounded in reality. This work is sacred. And it’s ongoing. Not one and done.

But once you start forming that connection with your inner child and recognizing the critic for what it is, you are far less likely to let it run unchecked. And that changes everything.

Next time, we’re diving into intuition and how to trust your gut after it’s been used against you. Because that one is a game-changer too.

Until then, breathe. Shake it out. And remember, that voice in your head?

It’s not you.

Let’s talk about conditional love—because if you’ve been through narcissistic abuse, high-control dynamics, or just grew up in a family where love came with strings attached, this one runs deep.  How to break free from conditional love patterns?

It doesn’t even have to be within your consciousness from your background. It can be societal conditioning, so deeply and unconsciously ingrained in you. The ‘good girl’ ethos that seeps into our very pores from day 1 that we barely know is there (think that pivotal Barbie speech).

Conditional love is the kind that says:

• “I love you when you’re easy to be around.”
• “I love you when you’re successful, helpful, accommodating.”
• “I love you when you don’t have needs, emotions, boundaries, or opinions that challenge me.”
• “I love you when you are beautiful, fit, thin.”
• “I love you when I can make you responsible for my emotional state.” (oof)

It’s the kind of love that made you work for approval. It trained you to perform, perfect, and please just to feel safe in a relationship. And the worst part? Even after you see it, even after you name it—it can still feel like home.

Because conditional love isn’t just a memory. It becomes a blueprint.

How Conditional Love Shows Up in Adulthood

It doesn’t matter how successful, self-aware, or independent you are—if this is your wiring, it’s likely still playing out:

• You overthink every text to make sure it lands just right
• You apologize for your feelings before you even share them
• You people-please at the expense of your peace
• You struggle to receive love without trying to earn it
• You feel deep anxiety or guilt when setting a boundary
• You chase emotionally unavailable people because they feel “familiar”
• You stay in breadcrumb relationships—that one compliment, that one flirty message, that one hit of attention is just enough to keep you hooked, hoping more is coming
• You dull your shine. You keep yourself just a little smaller—less successful, less joyful, less radiant—because deep down, you know your bigness would intimidate them. And you’re afraid they’d leave.

Conditional love tells you: “If you stop performing, they’ll leave.”

So your nervous system learns: love equals pressure. Love equals performing. Love equals shrinking.

Why It’s So Hard to Let Go Of

Because your body thinks this is love. Your nervous system associates that high-stakes, low-safety dynamic with connection.

So when you meet someone safe, someone emotionally available, someone who doesn’t require you to hustle for affection? It can feel… boring. Uncomfortable. Even wrong. Red flags feel like green and green feel like red 🚦 aaagggh. Peaceful and regulated feels like they don’t have enough ‘passion’… yeesh. It’s really because they don’t have an undercurrent of control, distance or danger—and that is a GOOD thing!

You might start to self-sabotage. Pull away. Or feel like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.

This doesn’t mean you’re messed up. It means your inner child learned to trade authenticity for attachment—and your body is still running that program.

How to Start Breaking Free

Healing from conditional love patterns means choosing self-loyalty over self-abandonment—over and over again.

1. Name It Without Shame

Start noticing the moments you shrink, perform, or self-edit.

• “I’m pretending to be okay right now so they don’t get upset.”
• “I’m about to say yes just so they won’t be mad.”
• “I’m afraid if I say how I feel, they’ll pull away.”

Name it. Gently. Without judgment. Awareness is the start of change. Be very conscious of giving yourself grace, kindness, and compassion—always.

2. Give Yourself What You Keep Chasing

Every time you try to earn someone’s love, ask: “What am I actually craving here?”

Validation? Safety? Being chosen?

Then ask: “Can I give myself a piece of that right now?”

Conditional love patterns are fueled by unmet needs. Meeting those needs internally, even just a little, starts to shift the cycle.

3. Get Intimate With Discomfort

Safe love might feel awkward. Calm might feel unnerving. Receiving without giving back might feel unbearable.

Sit with it. Breathe through it. Let it be uncomfortable and choose it anyway.

This is what re-patterning feels like. Not perfect. Just new.

4. Practice Unconditional Self-Respect

You don’t have to “feel worthy” to stop self-abandoning. You don’t need 100% confidence to set a boundary. You don’t have to be fully healed to walk away from crumbs.

Start acting like someone who is worthy, even if it’s shaky at first. The feelings often follow the action.

5. Rewire Your Nervous System’s Definition of Love

This is the deep work. This is where somatics and nervous system healing come in. Your brain may know what healthy love looks like, but your body might still panic when it shows up.

• Grounding
• Breathwork
• Inner child work
• Somatic resourcing
• Trauma-informed relationship repair

These aren’t just buzzwords. They’re how we teach your body a new definition of love—one that doesn’t require you to disappear. I have been teaching people to do this for a decade and a half, before it was trendy—and I can honestly say, it is a portal to a reclamation of who you are, layer by layer.

You’re Allowed to Be Loved Without Performance

You don’t have to be the most helpful, the most impressive, the most accommodating person in the room to be worthy of love.

You’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to have needs. You’re allowed to stop trying so hard.

The version of you that had to earn love? That was survival.

There will be people who refuse to give up their conditions and the benefit they receive from how the relationship functioned before, of course. It is often sad, but let them go. Your patterns may panic at first, but the absence of such people mostly brings more peace than you could have anticipated—so not so sad. And oooohh the exhale you feel with your whole body and soul when proximity to eggshell folks kicks in!

But now? You get to learn how to receive it.

We’re not here to keep performing for scraps. We’re here to take our seat at the damn table.

Let them be intimidated by your joy. Let them choke on your wholeness. You’re not here to be palatable. You’re here to be powerful.

And when you’re ready to untangle this in a deep, embodied way—you don’t have to do it alone.

This is exactly the kind of work we do inside the 6 Keys to Unfuckwithable. Especially in the Inner Child, Boundaries, and Nervous System modules.

Let’s just say it: emotional regulation isn’t about “calming down.” So what are some emotional regulation strategies for abuse survivors that actually work?

It’s not about shoving your feelings down, smiling through the storm, or taking deep breaths while someone disrespects you.

In fact—not every emotion needs to be regulated.

Some emotions need to be felt, fully. Some need to move through you like a wave. Some need to erupt like a volcano. Some need to be witnessed, not smoothed out.

So if you’ve ever used emotional regulation tools as a way to make yourself more “tolerable” to others? Or to skip past your anger, your grief, your fire just so you can seem okay on the outside? This blog is here to challenge that.

This isn’t about bypassing your truth. This is about you having the tools to hold your truth without burning up inside it.

If you’ve survived narcissistic abuse, high-control relationships, or trauma that left your nervous system spinning—regulating your emotions sometimes isn’t optional. It’s survival work.

Because when your body has learned that love is unpredictable, that safety is conditional, and that you are responsible for other people’s feelings, your nervous system doesn’t care how smart or self-aware you are. It only cares about survival.

So here’s how we stop white-knuckling our way through dysregulation and start actually learning how to feel safe inside ourselves again.

First: What Emotional Dysregulation Looks Like in Abuse Survivors

It’s not always big, dramatic breakdowns. Most often, it shows up in micro ways:

• You shut down or freeze when conflict starts—even when you want to speak up
• You obsess over texts, tone, or silence, reading between the lines until you can’t think straight
• You cry at “inappropriate” times, not because you’re weak—but because your body hits overload
• You swing between numb and overwhelmed, often in the same hour
• You try to intellectualize your emotions instead of feeling them
• You find it hard to relax even in safe situations—your body is still waiting for impact

This isn’t you being “too sensitive” or “too much.” This is your nervous system stuck in survival mode.

So What Is Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation isn’t about suppressing emotions—it’s about building the capacity to feel without getting hijacked.

It means:

• Being able to feel anger without imploding or exploding. In fact, using anger for fuel in the tank to stand up for yourself is a F*ck YES for me!
• Staying present through fear or sadness without shutting down
• Knowing how to come back to your center after being triggered—yourself being a loving place to land
• And most importantly: teaching your body that you are safe now. Even if it wasn’t safe before.

Strategies That Actually Work (Especially If You Have a Trauma History)

These aren’t one-size-fits-all. They’re here for you to try, tweak, and return to. Think of them as tools, not rules. Use them when you feel they serve your healing—not when you feel like you “should” be fine for someone else’s comfort.

1. Orienting to Safety

Your nervous system responds to your environment. When you feel anxious, look around and actively notice what’s neutral or safe:

• Name 3 things you see
• Name 3 sounds you hear
• Place one hand on a surface and name the texture

This signals to your body: “We are here. We are now. And we are safe.”

2. Name the State, Not Just the Feeling

Instead of just “I’m anxious,” try:

• “My body feels like it’s bracing for something.”
• “I’m in a freeze response.”
• “This feels familiar—like I’m back in that old survival pattern.”

When we name what’s happening in the body, we create separation from the story—and more capacity to stay with it.

3. Use Rhythm to Regulate

Rhythmic movement or sound helps the nervous system downshift. Try:

• Walking while counting your steps
• Drumming your hands on your thighs or chest
• Rocking gently side to side

The body loves rhythm. It’s primal. It tells your system: we’re okay now.

4. Low-Impact Vagal Toning

You don’t have to do complex breathwork. Try:

• Humming (long, low hums)
• Gargling water
• Splashing cold water on your face
• Placing your hands and wrists in cold water, and putting your tongue on the roof of your mouth

These stimulate the vagus nerve and help bring your body back into regulation gently.

5. Containment: Holding, Not Suppressing

Sometimes the emotion is too big to fully process in the moment. That’s okay. Try “containing” it:

• Visualize putting the feeling in a jar or box temporarily
• Say: “I will come back to this later, when I have space.”
• Place both hands on opposite arms and apply gentle pressure

You’re not ignoring it, you’re telling your system, “I can hold this safely now, on my terms.”

6. Track the Shift

After you try a regulation practice, pause and notice what changed.

• Is your breathing slower?
• Are your shoulders lower?
• Is there more space inside?

Tracking helps your brain link the practice with the payoff. That’s how we build trust with our bodies again. Also, noticing if you feel good or calm when you are in certain body positions means you can reverse engineer that anytime you wish.

This Is a Practice, Not a Performance

You won’t get this “right.” You don’t need to.

You just need to begin. To build a bridge back to your body. To offer yourself presence, instead of panic.

Emotional regulation isn’t about fixing your feelings. It’s about creating safety inside yourself, one gentle moment at a time.

And when you’re ready, there’s deeper work you can do. This is exactly the kind of work I guide survivors through inside the 6 Keys to Unfuckwithable—especially in the Nervous System, Boundaries, and Inner Child modules.

You’re not too much. You’re just carrying too much without the tools to hold it.

Let’s change that. Together.

Let’s talk about inner child healing – without the fluff, the baby photos, or pretending you’re fine sobbing into a journal while visualizing yourself at age five (although I do love the photo thing to be honest). What are some Inner Child healing exercises that actually work? 

Here’s the truth: inner child work isn’t really some lofty concept or spiritual buzzword. It’s trauma healing in action. It’s about reconnecting with the parts of you that had to split off, shut down, or grow up too fast to survive. And if you’ve been through narcissistic abuse; especially from a parent or partner, your inner child is likely running the show more than you realize.

There’s nothing wrong with you, you ADAPTED. Your system is always seeking safety – and when young, it is quite rigid and black and white about how it does that. You don’t need fixing. You need care, safety, and connection

So What Is Inner Child Healing, Really?

Your inner child is the collection of emotional imprints and nervous system responses you picked up when you were small. It’s the version of you who:

• Learned that love had to be earned
• Believed their needs were too much
• Got punished for having emotions
• Was the peacekeeper, the fixer, the one who made things okay for everyone else

Fast-forward to adulthood, and that same energy shows up in micro ways:

• You overthink every text before hitting send
• You shut down when someone’s disappointed in you
• You feel ashamed for having needs at all
• You keep dating people who trigger the same old wounds

Inner child healing is about giving that younger You what they never got – safety, attunement, permission, boundaries, and unconditional care. Not as a mental exercise, but as a felt experience in the body.

Signs Your Inner Child Is Calling the Shots

If you’re a high achiever, here’s where it gets tricky. You’re probably crushing it at work, but secretly:

• You’re terrified of disappointing people
• You say yes when you mean no (then beat yourself up after)
• You can hold space for everyone – except yourself
• You feel frozen or panicked in conflict, even when you logically know better

That’s not you being weak. That’s your inner child trying to keep you safe the only way they know how.

Inner Child Healing Exercises That Actually Help

Here are a few of the nervous-system-informed, trauma-aware practices I teach in my work that don’t require pretending or pushing:

1. Inner Child Check-Ins

When you notice you’re spiraling, ask: “How old do I feel right now?”

This simple question builds awareness and helps you shift from reacting as the child to responding to the child.

Example: You feel rejected after a short text from someone you’re dating. You pause and realize, “I feel about seven.” That awareness alone is powerful.

2. Create Safety Through Sensation

Instead of trying to “think” your way into safety, use somatic anchors:

• Wrap yourself in a heavy blanket
• Hold a warm mug
• Lie down with one hand on your heart, one on your belly

Then say (out loud if you can): “You’re safe now. I’ve got you.”

Your nervous system doesn’t respond to logic – it responds to felt safety. Think nervous system first, story second.

3. Reparenting With Boundaries

Every time you say “no” when you used to say “yes,” or pause before jumping to fix something…that’s reparenting. That’s telling your inner child: “You don’t have to self-abandon to be loved anymore.”

Start small:

• Decline a call when you’re not available
• Say “I need time to think about it” instead of rushing a yes
• Let someone else handle their own discomfort

Boundaries aren’t about being mean. They’re about creating predictability and protection—what your inner child needed and didn’t get.

4. Inner Child Voice Journaling

Write out a dialogue between “adult you” and “kid you.” Ask your inner child how they feel, and let them respond. No filter. No judgment.

Then write back with love, boundaries, and clarity.

This builds internal trust and starts to rewire your default patterns. When the child feels heard, the adult can lead.

5. Catch the Shame Spiral – And Interrupt It

Inner child wounds are wired to shame. That means every time you make a mistake, get feedback, or feel misunderstood, shame is likely your first stop.

Instead of spiraling:

• Name it: “This is shame.”
• Ground yourself: feet on floor, slow breath
• Say: “There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m allowed to mess up and still be worthy.”

Repeat as many times as needed. Shame thrives in silence – interrupting it is radical.

Bonus: Look at Photos of Younger You

Yes, really. Take a moment to look at a photo of yourself as a child. See if you can do it without criticism or bypassing. Just look. Let it land: That was you. That still is you.

This practice helps soften the freeze and create connection. The goal isn’t to feel pity – it’s to build relationship.

Inner Child Work Isn’t Optional – It’s Foundational

If you’ve been through emotional abuse, coercive control, or had to perform for love as a kid, this work isn’t just helpful – it’s necessary. It’s not about “fixing” yourself. It’s about meeting the parts of you that were never seen.

You don’t have to heal it all at once. You don’t need to do it perfectly. You just need to start showing up- even in small, imperfect ways – as the adult your inner child has been waiting for.

Ready for the Next Step?

This is the work I guide my clients through inside my 6 Keys to Unfuckwithable framework – especially the Inner Childand Somatic/Nervous System keys.

You’re not a mess – you’ve been surviving in ways that make sense. And you’re absolutely not alone.

When you’re ready, we can do this work together.

Or get started on your own:

• The 6 Keys to Unfu*kwithable – explore the exact key steps to work through in your healing journey, backed by more than 10k hours of real-life client experiences
• The Somatic Keys – get practical exercises to do for each of the 6 key areas! This is a powerful day-to-day work you can return to repeatedly! 

What if I told you that the voice in your head – the one whispering that you’re not enough – was never yours to begin with? Let’s talk about rebuilding self-esteem after emotional abuse.

Maybe you’ve spent years, even decades, doubting yourself. Maybe you’ve second-guessed every decision, apologized for existing, and shaped yourself into whatever version of you was most acceptable to the people around you.

You learned to survive by being easy to love. By being less of a problem. By needing less, asking for less, expecting less. And then you found yourself in a relationship (or maybe a string of them) where that same survival mechanism was exploited. Where love felt conditional—something you had to earn, something that could be yanked away if you misstepped, something that left you feeling unworthy and exhausted.

And now? You don’t even know who you are without it.

If you’ve never had a solid sense of self, if you went from a high-control family dynamic straight into an emotionally abusive relationship, if you’ve never had the luxury of living life based on your needs and desires—then healing can feel as overwhelming as staying where you are. Because it’s not just about rebuilding your self-esteem. It’s about discovering it for the very first time. But I promise you: it’s possible. And this is how you begin.

Steps to rebuilding self-esteem after emotional abuse

Step 1: Call Out the Lies You Were Fed

Emotional abusers don’t just tear you down randomly. (Okay, some do, but that’s another conversation.)

They do it strategically—because if you doubt yourself enough, you’ll stay under their control. They don’t just insult you; they program you. Their words become the voice in your head, the filter through which you see yourself.

Let’s pull back the curtain:

• “You’re too sensitive.”  (Translation: “I don’t want to be held accountable for how I treat you.”)
• “You’ll never find someone else.” (Translation: “I need you to believe you have no options so you’ll stay.”)
• “You’re not as smart/talented/attractive as you think.” (Translation: “If I can make you feel worthless, you won’t realize you deserve better.”)
• “No one else would put up with you.” (Translation: “I need you to believe you’re unlovable so you don’t leave me.”)
• Silent treatment, disappearing acts, or random explosions. (Translation: “I want you to feel like you’re constantly failing so I stay in control.”)

Over time, these statements don’t just hurt. They become your inner voice.

But here’s the thing: you can evict them.

Step 2: Rebuilding from the Inside Out

If you’ve never truly had self-esteem, this step might feel impossible. Because how do you rebuild something that was never there? The key is starting small—reconnecting with yourself in ways that feel doable.

• What music do you like (the songs they made fun of)?
• What hobbies make you happy (even if they rolled their eyes at them)?
• What do you want to wear, eat, watch, or do—without guilt?

At first, this might feel ridiculous, like you’re learning to be human from scratch. That’s okay.

These may seem like small things, but they are profound. Every decision you make for yourself is an act of defiance. Every time you choose you, you break their hold a little more.

Step 3: Shut Down the Inner Critic

Related read: Healthy self-reflection vs the Inner Critic

If your inner voice still sounds like your abuser, it’s time to start reclaiming your mental space. Here’s how you begin:

• Catch the thought: “I’m so stupid.”
• Question it: Who told me that? Is that actually true?
• Flip it: “I made a mistake, but that doesn’t make me stupid.”

You don’t have to go from “I hate myself” to “I am a radiant goddess” overnight. But shifting from “I suck” to “I’m learning”? That’s powerful.

Also realizing each time you catch it that it isn’t you. It is a program based on other people. Usually your earliest critic. Notice WHO it sounds like.

Even removing the 1st person ‘charge’ of it by saying “my inner critic is saying I am useless, fat, ugly” etc feels very different in your system than saying “I am ugly, fat, useless’. Try it

Step 4: Rebuild Self-Trust

If you’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship, chances are you don’t trust yourself anymore. This was by design in the coercive control pipeline you were herded into. You were trained to second-guess everything:

• Am I overreacting?
• Did I cause this?
• Maybe I’m the problem?

Let’s start untangling that:

✔ Make small decisions—and don’t ask for permission.

✔ Listen to your gut—even if it’s just about what to eat for dinner.

✔ Stop explaining yourself—you don’t owe anyone an essay on why you said no.

✔ Honor your emotions—if something feels off, trust that feeling. Every time you back yourself up, you send the message: I’ve got my own back now.

Step 5: Take Up Space Again

Emotional abuse teaches you to shrink—to make yourself smaller, quieter, easier to tolerate.

Healing is about taking up space again.

• Laugh loudly.
• Wear the bold lipstick.
• Sign up for the class.
• Speak up when you feel like it.

At first, it might feel unnatural. That’s okay. Do it anyway.

Because the more space you take up, the harder it becomes to fit back into the tiny box they tried to put you in.

You Were Never the Problem

Rebuilding self-esteem isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about coming back home to yourself.

The version of you that wasn’t constantly questioning, doubting, or apologizing for existing? They’re still in there. And they’re waiting for you to remember them.

You don’t have to have it all figured out today. You don’t have to wake up tomorrow and magically feel whole. But you can take a step. And then another. And another. You deserve a life where you feel solid in yourself.

Where you trust your own voice. Where you don’t have to shrink for anyone. And if you’re not there yet? That’s okay. There are tools, resources, and support to help you get there. And when you’re ready, we’ll take the next step together.💜

Ready for the next step in your healing journey?

🔓 Join Thrive Resource Library for only $7/monthly to receive access to trauma-informed guides and resources that will help you to recognize abuse and learn the first steps to take in your healing journey.

💬 Book your 1:1 Laser Coaching Session with me to get a chance to do a deep-dive in your story and evaluate what is the next best step to take.

For more content follow @theerikaleon on Instagram.

Are you going through narcissistic abuse recovery? Have you been a victim of emotionally abusive relationships? Having support in the recovery journey is crucial and here will be a few reasons why to consider it and how to find the right space for that. 

The importance of having support in the abuse recovery journey  

There are many reasons why having support in the abuse recovery journey can be a key game-changer. Here are just some of them to consider: 

One of the most profound after-effects of abusive relationships (which includes all types of non-physical abuse and coercive control also) is that the abuser has slowly broken down your sense of self.

You can then find it really hard to trust yourself and your own choices and have confidence in your thoughts. Having a skilled, trauma-informed abuse recovery expert to guide you and stand beside you means –

• You will be guided through your doubts and fears, so that you can trust yourself again
• You will be shown how you can come back to yourself and that you have all the resources inside to rise up and find your courageous badass self
• You will have someone to vent to, as the world at large does not understand abuse dynamics, and it can be harmful to deal with the ignorant reactions
• You will have somebody to “vent with” and more importantly – someone who KNOWS how it is to have been in your shoes. This is not a subject you become an expert in, through book knowledge. 
• You will be able to see your situation from another perspective. This can open you up to new and actionable solutions, and that is what we’re here for!!

How to find support in the abuse recovery journey 

The world these days really is your oyster, as long as you are discerning about keeping within a healthy support environment that is ‘survivor-centric’. Any group or practitioner that is not knowledgeable on abuse dynamics, tries to in any way, put blame on the survivor or telling them to ‘forgive their abuser’ or that it takes ‘two to tango’ – stay away from! 

Here are some to consider 

Support groups in your area

Seeking support in your area can be a challenging but also incredibly rewarding step when you are ready. Meeting face-to-face takes courage, and I would not recommend it in all cases, depending where you are in your recovery journey and the situation with your personal safety and status within the relationship. Often, people dealing with the kind of huge awakening that tends to take place upon realizing you are in an abusive relationship (and the journey to leaving and recovery) are far more inclined to find online meetings a safe way to find their feet and maintain privacy. This is why a very secure survivor-centric space is so important. You can not only get support in your recovery journey, but also meet lifelong friends and truly build your own tribe. 

Join either of my free Meetup support groups 

Every month, I host free support groups on Meetup where we come together to share, learn, and reclaim personal power.

You can attend for the community of people who understand what you are going through, and to use my expertise to get your most pressing questions and challenges answered. These groups are my babies, and I have been running them for 6 years!

They are designed to give you real support, understanding, and the tools to move forward with confidence.

• Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Group
• Divorce Betrayal Group

Relevant FB groups

Please note that Facebook groups might not always be as safe per se – after all, anyone can join one! But if you’re not too concerned about that, research some of the keywords on Facebook and see what comes up!

Does the whole “group setting” thing make you shiver?

I get it! Sometimes showing up in any kind of a group setting – but especially ONLINE – can be really challenging. There’s just something about not being face-to-face that makes it somewhat unusual. (Although thanks to Corona many of us have learned to embrace it as well)…

If you feel unsure about showing up in online groups, don’t let it stop you at least giving it a go with some of our group spaced. Because often that group setting can be the actual game-changer.

I’ve had nothing but 5-star reviews for making people feel welcome, for expertise and communication, sharing way above and beyond the usual content and support that people imagined would be available in group calls and building a community. 

Even if you’re somewhat shy and turning on the camera alone is a challenge (you don’t necessarily have to, by the way!!)…

Or if you’ve never done any kind of Lives and have not the smallest clue how to…

Whatever is the case, hear me out:

Having group support in this kind of journey can bring you to a whole other transformation!!

I have led a ton of different group programs and hosted online support groups and workshops for so many years. All with wonderful people that have often become close and remain friends to this day.  The perspectives shared, and the bond that comes from going through the same thing feels like being seen and heard. This can be life-changing.

Plus this is the kind of space where you can form truly meaningful connections with others as well as you’re all sharing the same journey and can relate with each other deeply.

That alone is a wonderful thing to experience!

Along with all of that, of course, there’s my guidance that will get you through each of the sessions and also give you personalized advice, where needed.

It takes courage to show up and do the work but I’m sure you’re ready to take this leap.

But if you do seek more of 1:1 support – book a laser coaching session with me!

Finding the light at the end of narcissistic or abusive relationships is challenging… Where to start the journey of healing from abusive relationships?

I know for a fact that it’s possible for you. And I also know that you have all the power within you to get through this.

You CAN do it all on your own.

But do you have to? 🤔

You don’t have to rebuild your life all alone!

Imagine any impactful event, any big thing one can do in a lifetime. Raise a kid, build a house, start a charity. It all involves the support of others. It takes a village, as they say…

So why do you think you have to deal with “your own sh*t” (pardon my french) all on your own?

Let me not get into all the cheesy quotes on how a shared pain is half of it and yadda yadda…

Sure, there is a fair share of heartbreak and pain you have to go through all on your own. You have to do the mindset work. You have to actually get yourself out of the bed. Push yourself to take the action.

But it all truly can be WAY easier if you have a supportive tribe along with you, going through the same journey or possibly embracing the “been there, done that” vibes.

Where to find a supportive tribe as you’re healing from abusive relationships?

It takes a village to raise yourself up and often the best village can be found online.

Mostly because that online tribe won’t require putting on the pants to meet them… But also because it gives you more time, more freedom, more accessibility.

Here will be some of the options I provide for finding support as you work through it all (both paid and free):

• Narcissist Recovery Support Group – FREE with bi-weekly support calls
• Divorce/Betrayal Support Group – FREE with bi-weekly support calls
• Explore my Instant access Masterclasses and Courses. Through these self-paced materials you can learn how to set effective boundaries and re-boot that nagging inner voice.

Joining one of our free calls can be a major step forward and it can also provide an insight in the way I work, who I am and how my no-bs approach comes across.

How to recognize if your thoughts are healthy self-reflection or the fearful critic in your mind?

 When it comes to recognizing negative thought patterns or the inner critic within your mind, it’s important to know what to look for.

Navigating the difference between healthy self-reflection and the fearful critic is essential for maintaining balance and growth. While no one can be positive 100% of the time – and contrast in our thinking is a natural part of the human experience – learning to identify and work with these patterns can make all the difference in your mental well-being.

At the end of the day, chasing every disempowering thought away isn’t always realistic or even helpful. The key is learning how to discern between thoughts that serve a productive purpose and those that stem from fear, insecurity, or past experiences that no longer serve you. So, how can you tell the difference? Which thoughts deserve your attention, and which should be acknowledged and then released? Let’s break it down.

Want to do a deep-dive on the topic of Inner Critic? Get in on the Masterclass here!

Healthy Self-Reflection

Healthy self-reflection is a constructive process rooted in reality.

This type of thought process encourages you to assess situations, behaviors, and outcomes in a way that fosters growth, learning, and self-awareness. Here are some key characteristics of healthy self-reflection:

• Grounded in Reality: Healthy self-reflection is based on actual events and facts. It focuses on what has happened and what you can realistically do to improve or adapt. There’s no over-dramatization or assumption of the worst.
• Calm and Balanced: Unlike the anxious energy of the fearful critic, healthy self-reflection has a measured tone. It feels like an honest conversation with yourself, free of judgment or panic.
• Solution-Oriented: This type of thought process asks, “What can I learn from this?” or “How can I grow?” It focuses on finding ways to improve rather than dwelling on perceived failures.
• Compassionate and Fair: Healthy self-reflection acknowledges your humanity. It’s a voice that encourages accountability without tearing you down. It recognizes both strengths and areas for improvement.

For example, if you found yourself people-pleasing in a way that left you feeling drained, healthy self-reflection might look like this: “I noticed that I said yes to something I didn’t truly want to do. Next time, I want to pause and check in with myself before committing. How can I practice setting clearer boundaries moving forward?”

The Fearful Inner Critic

In contrast, the fearful inner critic is often unreasonable, rooted in fear, and shaped by past experiences. It tends to be harsh, self-defeating, and disconnected from the reality of the present moment. Here’s what sets it apart:

• Triggered by Past Experiences: The fearful critic often emerges as an echo of old voices – those of caregivers, authority figures, or even societal pressures. It draws from moments when you felt inadequate, rejected, or unsafe.
• Focuses on Worst-Case Scenarios: This voice thrives on projecting failure or catastrophe into the future. It magnifies small mistakes and turns them into evidence of looming disaster.
• Uses a Fearful or Harsh Tone: The inner critic is not kind or understanding. It’s accusatory, harsh, and often dramatic, making you feel like any misstep is a monumental failure.
• Leads to Paralyzing Self-Doubt: Instead of prompting action or growth, the inner critic often keeps you stuck in cycles of guilt, shame, or avoidance. It convinces you that you’re not capable or worthy.

For instance, if you miss a deadline, the fearful inner critic might say: “You always mess up. No wonder you’re not getting ahead. Everyone else is doing better than you – why even bother?”

Why the fearful critic exists

It’s important to recognize that the fearful inner critic isn’t inherently evil or malicious – it’s a misguided attempt by your subconscious to keep you safe.

Often, it develops as a protective mechanism in response to past trauma, unhealthy relationships, or critical environments. By pointing out potential dangers (even imaginary ones), it’s trying to shield you from harm. However, because it relies on outdated and fear-based strategies, it often does more harm than good.

Recognize the difference

Here are a few quick questions to help you identify whether you’re engaging in healthy self-reflection or listening to the fearful critic:

1. What is the tone of the thought? Is it calm and constructive, or harsh and critical?
2. What is the source of this thought? Is it based on the present reality, or does it feel rooted in past experiences or fears?
3. What is the goal of this thought? Is it helping you find solutions and move forward, or is it keeping you stuck in self-doubt and anxiety?
4. How does this thought make you feel? Does it leave you feeling empowered and motivated, or defeated and paralyzed?

Moving forward

Once you’ve identified whether a thought comes from healthy self-reflection or the fearful critic, you can decide how to respond.

For healthy self-reflection, lean in. Listen to what it has to say, and use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

For the fearful critic, acknowledge it without giving it power. Remind yourself that this voice is trying to protect you, but it’s not always right.

You might say something like: “Thank you for your concern, but I’ve got this. I’m safe, and I’m capable of handling this situation.”

Final Thoughts

Developing the ability to differentiate between healthy self-reflection and the fearful critic takes time and practice. The more conscious and present you are in your thoughts, the easier it becomes to separate what’s constructive from what’s holding you back. Remember, your thoughts are powerful – choose the ones that help you move forward with confidence, clarity, and self-compassion.

Get the Inner Critic Masterclass to learn more!