When most people hear the word “boundaries,” they picture a Pinterest quote. A TikTok affirmation. Someone confidently saying no without guilt. Let’s talk about why boundaries feel dangerous after narcissistic abuse.
And then immediately caving the moment someone pushes back.
That is not what we are talking about here. Real boundaries are lived. You feel them in your body before they ever become words. Shaky in your throat. Tense in your stomach. Clenched in your fists while your mouth says, sure, no problem.
If you grew up in a home where boundaries were punished, or survived narcissistic abuse, coercive control, or a high control relationship, the off-the-shelf advice about boundaries is missing rather a lot of steps. This post is for you.
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Why You Were Never Taught to Have Boundaries in the First Place
Most of us were not modeled healthy boundaries growing up. And for many women, especially those raised in traditional family structures or religious environments, boundaries were not just absent. They were actively dangerous.
If you had to stay polite, be nice, smile, and say yes while every cell in your body was screaming otherwise, you were not failing at boundaries. You were surviving without them. That is what your nervous system learned to do. It kept you safe by keeping you the same.
And it is worth saying clearly: you didn’t fail at boundaries. You learned to survive without them.
What Your Body Was Actually Taught
If any of these sound familiar, your nervous system learned early that having boundaries was not safe:
- Saying no meant punishment
- Speaking up meant abandonment
- Asserting yourself could mean isolation
- Your discomfort mattered less than someone else’s approval
- Keeping the peace was more important than keeping yourself safe
- Love was conditional, and anger was unpredictable
When that is the environment you grew up in or the relationship you survived, your nervous system adapted. It scanned for threat. It took the path of least resistance. It kept you safe the only way it knew how.
That is not a character flaw. That is intelligence.
Why Boundaries Feel So Dangerous After Abuse
This is the part that most boundary advice completely skips over.
Boundaries are not just a communication issue. They are a survival issue.
If you experienced coercive control, narcissistic abuse, or any high control relationship, your body learned to associate saying no with real consequences. Rejection. Punishment. Isolation. Withdrawal of love. And for your nervous system, those things do not feel like inconveniences. They feel like death. Being cast out of the tribe that sustains you.
So when someone tells you to just use your voice or just enforce your boundary, and your chest tightens and your voice disappears and your fawn response kicks in, that is not weakness. That is your body doing exactly what it was trained to do.
And if you are already asking yourself whether you are the problem, whether losing people from your life proves something is wrong with you, I want to say this clearly:
When you start building real boundaries, you should be prepared to lose people. In my experience working with thousands of women, it is not uncommon to lose around 85% of your current circle when you start doing this work. Not because you are the problem. But because your boundaries will not work for people who benefited from you not having any.
I wish someone had warned me about that. I would not have taken it so personally when it happened to me.
What Boundaries Actually Are (Let’s Redefine This)
Boundaries are not about controlling other people. They are about coming home to yourself.
They are the practice of saying:
I matter. I get to decide. I do not have to explain why this does not work for me. I do not have to abandon myself to belong to you.
Sometimes that sounds like a direct no. Sometimes it sounds like I am not available for that, or I need space, or I am leaving now.
And sometimes it sounds like nothing at all. Because some of the most powerful boundaries you will ever set are silent ones.
The Boundaries Nobody Talks About
Some of the most important boundaries are not said out loud at all. They are:
- Not returning a phone call
- Not responding to a text you feel pressured to answer
- Leaving a group chat
- Not rescuing, not justifying, not performing
- Deciding internally that a certain person no longer gets full access to you, even if you still see them every day
One of the most freeing boundaries I ever set after my divorce was simply deciding to stop jumping every time a co-parent sent a message that made me feel like I had to defend or justify myself. That boundary changed everything.
Boundaries With Yourself Come First
Before you can build solid boundaries with other people, you need to look at the boundaries you need with yourself. What promises have you been making to yourself and not keeping? What lines have you been crossing with your own time, energy, and wellbeing?
The first stage of real boundary work is always internal. What do you need from yourself? What is it costing you not to have it?
The Nervous System Connection: Why You Cannot Think Your Way Into Boundaries
This is what most boundary advice completely misses.
You cannot think your way into solid boundaries. You have to regulate your nervous system enough to feel safe enough to hold them.
Your body has a built-in surveillance system called neuroception. It is a subconscious mechanism that constantly scans for safety or threat, reportedly every 0.7 seconds. And if it has been conditioned to associate saying no with rejection, punishment, shame, or withdrawal, then setting a boundary will feel like a massive threat, not a choice.
That is why boundaries are not primarily cognitive. They are somatic. They live in your body first.
Before you speak a boundary, you need to feel it. Before you can hold a boundary, you need to practice regulating the fear that comes with it. That means having your why in place, doing the visualisation work, understanding what you need and why you are worth protecting, and even getting your physical body into a position of groundedness before you begin.
Head up. Spine straight. Shoulders down and back. Voice steady.
It sounds simple. But when your nervous system is running a survival programme, these things matter enormously.
Two Body-Based Practices to Start Building Boundaries From the Inside Out
Practice 1: Boundaries From the Body Up
Find somewhere comfortable to sit or stand and close your eyes, or soften your gaze if that feels better.
Take a breath and let your shoulders drop just 5% more. Feel where your body meets the surface beneath you.
Now imagine you are standing inside a circle of your own energy. A bubble of bright white light. You do not have to earn this space. It is already yours. You get to choose who comes in and who stays out.
Now imagine someone stepping too close. Too fast, too loud, too familiar. Notice what happens in your body. Tension? Freeze? Rage? Numbness? Just notice, without judgment.
Now gently press your hands out in front of you. Not hard. Just enough to occupy your own space. And say out loud: No closer. Not today. Not anymore.
Feel your breath expand into your back and sides as you reclaim that space. Notice what shifts.
Practice 2: The Yes and No Compass
This one is quick, easy to practice anywhere, and deeply effective.
Stand or sit with your spine straight and shoulders down. Take a breath.
Now say your full name out loud. I am [your name]. Notice what your body does. Where does that yes land? For many people it is a solid, grounded thud in the lower stomach area. Not racing, not anxious. Just settled. That is your yes.
Now say someone else’s name as your own. Notice the difference. Does your chest tighten? Does something feel slightly off or unsettled?
The more you practice this, the more you understand the felt difference between your truth and what is not yours. And once you can feel that difference, you can apply it to anything: a decision, a relationship, a boundary you are trying to hold.
How to Start Practicing Boundaries When You Are Still Scared
Here is what I want you to know: boundaries are not something you earn when you finally feel confident. They are something you practice while you are still shaking.
You will practice while you are unsure. While the old conditioning is still echoing. While your nervous system is still telling you that something terrible is about to happen.
And slowly, your body will learn to trust you.
One day you will notice that you did not apologise. You did not over-explain. You did not panic when someone got angry. You just said what you meant and stayed connected to yourself.
That will feel like power.
To get there, start small. Do not pick the highest-stakes boundary in your life to practice with first. Start with something low-risk. A small no. A quiet decision not to respond. A moment where you choose yourself just a little.
And build from there.
The Questions Worth Sitting With
Rather than jumping straight to just say no, start by asking yourself:
- When did it stop being safe for me to say no?
- What did saying no get me in the past?
- What has saying yes been costing me?
Those questions will tell you everything you need to know about where your boundary work really needs to begin.
This episode is part of The Messy Middle podcast. If you have questions you would like answered on the show, submit them via the form on the website. And if you want to go deeper on this work, the Somatic Keys course covers both of these practices in much more depth.
Connect and follow for more on Instagram @theerikaleon
