The Erika Leon

Author: theerikaleon

  • How to Silence the Voice That Says “You’re Not Enough”

    Today, we’re getting real about that vicious little voice in your head. The one that says you’re not smart enough. You’ll mess it all up. Everyone’s laughing at you.

    That voice is not you. I want you to hear that in capital letters in your mind. It is not you. It was installed.

    This is the second key in my framework: the inner critic. And before you roll your eyes and think this is going to be some fluffy self-help chat about “just be nicer to yourself,” let me stop you right there. That’s not what this is.

    When you actually start peeling this back, it’s deep. It’s uncomfortable. It’s wildly insightful. I wish I’d done this work sooner. So if I can help you hack something that took me decades to understand, I’m going to.

     

    Listen to the full episode of The Messy Middle Podcast instead:

    What Is the Inner Critic, Really?

    When I talk about the inner critic after emotional or narcissistic abuse, I’m not talking about the occasional negative thought. I’m talking about the background noise that shapes how you feel in your body before you even realize it.

    You might not have slowed down time enough to catch it yet. Most of us haven’t.

    But it’s there.

    It’s the voice that sounds suspiciously like your earliest critic. Or the partner who hurt you. It’s the one whispering that you’ll never amount to anything. That you’re too much. Not enough. That you always ruin things. That everyone is secretly laughing at you.

    And here’s the truth that changed everything for me. That voice is a nervous system strategy. It’s a survival voice.

    You learned it somewhere. At some point, it helped you stay safe. It kept you small so you wouldn’t get punished. It kept you quiet so you wouldn’t be humiliated. It kept you agreeable so you wouldn’t be abandoned.

    Your nervous system took notes. It built a plan. And now that plan runs automatically.

     

    The Day My Inner Critic Went Into Overdrive

    Let me tell you the story I haven’t really spoken about before.

    It was 2018. The day of my very first in-person support group. It was being held at my friend’s place, covered in mirrors. I had already been seeing clients quietly through word of mouth for a couple of years, but this felt different.

    This felt like stepping into the spotlight.

    I was still struggling financially. Still licking my wounds. Still rebuilding after divorce and betrayal. But I wanted to help people so badly. I had decided I was doing this come hell or high water.

    My nervous system did not agree.

    The inner critic was raging. Who do you think you are? What if nobody comes? What if they think you’re full of shit? What if you blow up your entire life with this?

    I was sweating. Nauseous. Hands gooey. Honestly, I thought I might puke. I was catastrophizing so hard I could practically see the headlines in my own brain.

    Two hours before it started, I realized I’d forgotten to buy name labels. And instead of just thinking, “Oh, I’ll pop to the shop,” my brain went, “This is a sign. You shouldn’t be doing this at all.”

    I was panic-walking around Office Depot thinking, I can still cancel. I can still get out of this.

    And then something happened.

    The Moment Everything Clicked

    I looked up and saw someone who used to work in the company I shared with my ex-husband. They had been there during the worst years. The cheating. The betrayal. The chaos.

    We locked eyes.

    If you’ve ever been through a messy divorce with a partner who wants to protect their image at all costs, you’ll understand the paranoia. You never know who believes what. Who’s aligned with who. Who thinks you’re the crazy one.

    For years, this person had gone quiet. I assumed they thought the worst of me.

    Part of me wanted to hide behind a display of pens.

    Instead, they walked toward me and pulled me into a hug. They cried. They apologized. They told me they had been forced into silence during the court battles. That they had always felt bad. That they were glad I was helping other women now.

    It was not what I expected.

    And in that moment, it was like dominoes falling. All the sentences that had been rattling around in my head for years suddenly sounded different.

    • You’re nothing without me.
    • You’ll never survive on your own.
    • You’re not smart enough.
    • You’ll fuck it up.

    They weren’t my words. They were echoes.

    Echoes of criticism. Of subtle put-downs. Of years of being chipped away at while believing that was “love.” Seeing that person at that exact moment felt like the universe bitch-slapping my inner critic and gently escorting her back into the corner.

    A couple of hours later, I walked into that support group. Still scared. But steady. It was a huge success. Those first members are still in my life. The group now has thousands of people. If I had listened to my inner critic that day, none of that would exist.

     

    How the Inner Critic Forms in the First Place

    The inner critic doesn’t just sound like your ex. Sometimes it sounds like you. That’s what makes it so convincing.

    If you grew up with conditional love, your nervous system learned fast. Maybe you were only safe when you were quiet. Or helpful. Or high-achieving. Maybe you were praised for being the strong one. The smart one. The easy one.

    Your nervous system wrote down the rules.

    • Be perfect.
    • Be small.
    • Don’t mess up.
    • Don’t make them mad.
    • Don’t ask for anything.
    • Be easy to love.

    That voice became an internalized jailer. It believed it was protecting you.

    It’s not evil. It’s outdated. It’s like a smoke alarm going off because you burned the toast. Loud. Dramatic. Technically trying to help. Completely disproportionate to the actual threat.

     

    How to Actually Expose Your Inner Critic

    Here’s where the work gets practical.

    Most of the day, we’re on autopilot. Chopping vegetables. Driving. Folding laundry. Our minds drift. And it’s in those unconscious moments that the inner critic loves to run.

    You might start the day feeling neutral and suddenly notice you feel like shit. Shoulders slumped. Head down. Tight chest.

    Track it back. What were the last 10 thoughts?

    You might not catch the first 200, but you can usually catch the tail end. And if you make a promise to yourself to write them down for two weeks, patterns will emerge.

    When I did this, I realized my inner critic had a vernacular. An accent. Specific phrases that mirrored my earliest critic and later my ex.

    It was chilling. But it was also freeing. Because once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

     

    The Mirror Exercise That Changes Everything

    This exercise is simple and brutal in the best way.

    First, write down three to five of your loudest critical thoughts. The ones you hear on repeat.

    Things like:

    • You’re not enough.
    • You ruin everything.
    • No one would choose you.
    • You’ll always fail. Why even try?

    Now imagine standing in front of a mirror. But the reflection is not adult you. It’s five-year-old you.

    Soft cheeks. Big eyes. Hoping you’ll say something kind. Now read those sentences to her. Out loud if you can. Notice what happens in your body.

    Is there revulsion? Tears? A protective instinct? Does your stomach drop? Does your chest ache? That reaction is the real you.

    You would never speak to a child that way. And if you can’t say those words to her, they were never yours to begin with.

    The inner critic is training. It is not truth.

     

    Why Awareness Is the First Step to Reprogramming

    You are never going to hate yourself into change.

    The first step is awareness. Shine a light on what’s happening in there. Once you understand why the voice formed, you can bring compassion instead of shame.

    When you notice you feel like shit, slow down time. Ask what thoughts led up to it. Write them down. Then consciously re-parent yourself.

    Move the critic aside. Replace it with something restorative. Something kind. Something grounded in reality. This work is sacred. And it’s ongoing. Not one and done.

    But once you start forming that connection with your inner child and recognizing the critic for what it is, you are far less likely to let it run unchecked. And that changes everything.

    Next time, we’re diving into intuition and how to trust your gut after it’s been used against you. Because that one is a game-changer too.

    Until then, breathe. Shake it out. And remember, that voice in your head?

    It’s not you.

  • Inner child healing after narcissistic abuse: Where real recovery begins

    Today we’re talking about inner child healing after narcissistic abuse. Not the Pinterest version. Not the airy “love your inner fairy princess” version, although if that works for you, I am all for it. I’m talking about the gritty, inconvenient, truth-telling version. The part of you that learned to shrink, perform, smile, and swallow your truth so hard it stuck in your throat just to survive.

    This is key number one for me in becoming unfuckwithable. And honestly, it saved my life.

     

    Listen to the full version in the Messy Middle Podcast:

     

    The Moment That Changed Everything

    I was in couples therapy with someone who was actively cheating on me. I could smell it. I could feel it in my bones. But he would not admit it. If you have ever lived in that reality, you know how maddening it is. You know something is wrong, but you cannot prove it, and they keep telling you that you are dramatic, unstable, too emotional, mentally unwell.

    It is like being in a cage with your intuition banging on the bars. I do not recommend couples therapy with someone who is abusive or actively betraying you unless your goal is to be expertly gaslit while paying someone to watch it happen.

    In one session, my sweet psychiatrist tried to explain that we all have younger parts inside us. He gently suggested that maybe “little Erika” needed safety. That maybe I was not crazy, but reacting from a wounded place. His intention was empathy.

    A few weeks later, during one of those awful spirals where I was crying, exhausted, holding five babies under 14 and feeling that hollow dread that something big was happening behind my back, he sneered at me and said, “Go on, little Erika. Show us who you really are.”

    He weaponized the phrase that was meant to help.

    In that moment, I felt like a child having a tantrum. But I was not a child. I was a woman being emotionally tortured.

    And here is the twist. That moment was meant to shame me. Instead, it became the turning point that sent me deep into inner child work. Something that was meant to break me became the key that helped me rebuild.

     

    What Is Inner Child Healing, Really?

    When we talk about inner child healing in trauma recovery, we are not talking about pretending your childhood was magical.

    We are talking about acknowledging that there are younger parts of you that learned how to survive.

    Maybe you learned to be small.
    Maybe you learned to achieve more to earn love.
    Maybe you learned to shut the fuck up and keep the peace.
    Maybe you learned that being needed was the only way to feel safe.

    If you grew up in emotional neglect or abuse, high-control relationships can feel normal. Familiar. Almost like home. That is not because you are broken. It is because your nervous system was trained early.

    The inner child is often the part of you who learned to read a room like a hawk. To scan tone shifts. To take responsibility for the vibe in the house. To stop rage before it erupted. To absorb blame that was never yours.

    That little girl is often the one who shows up in abusive relationships. Not the grown woman with the mortgage and the resume. The younger part, still chasing safety the only way she knows how.

     

    Why Narcissistic Abuse Hooks the Inner Child

    After narcissistic abuse, women often ask, “How did I not see it?”

    The truth is, sometimes you did. Your body did. Your inner child did.

    In my case, she knew long before my conscious mind caught up. She knew something was dreadfully wrong. But “wrong” felt familiar. And familiar feels safe to a nervous system trained in chaos.

    This is why healing from narcissistic abuse is not just about leaving the partner. It is about dismantling the belief system that told you that kind of love was normal.

    It is about unwiring patterns laid down long before you swiped right on your first narcissist or fuck boy.

     

    Rebuilding Self-Trust Through Inner Child Work

    Slowly, one breadcrumb at a time, I started following her. That younger version of me. I stopped trying to silence her and started asking what she needed.

    She did not need perfection. She did not need me to perform harder. She needed emotional connection. She needed someone to notice. She needed someone to say, “You are not the problem.”

    You are not betraying your parents by examining your childhood. You are not disloyal for acknowledging what was missing. You are doing honest self-inventory. You are looking at the wiring that shaped you.

    That is brave. That is not cruel.

    And that is how you rebuild self-trust. Not by forcing yourself to “be strong,” but by meeting the parts of you that were never protected and finally protecting them.

     

    A Simple Inner Child Healing Practice

    If you want to start healing your inner child after emotional abuse, let’s keep it simple and somatic. This is not just mindset work. Trauma lives in the body.

    Find a quiet moment. Place a hand on your chest or your belly. Breathe slowly. In for four, out for four. Let your body settle. Then imagine the version of you who needed the most love.

    Maybe she is six, hiding while adults scream.
    Maybe she is 13, trying to be invisible.
    Maybe she is you last year, holding it together while quietly falling apart.

    Do not fix her. Do not rewrite the past. Just ask gently, “What did you need to know was true, even if nobody said it out loud?”

    Let whatever comes up land. Wrap your breath around it. Let your body register it. For me, it was this: I needed to know that someone saw me. That I mattered. That I was not invisible.

    This is how healing begins. One felt truth at a time.

     

    You Are Not Broken. You Are Beginning.

    Inner child healing is not fluffy. It is radical. It is how you stop repeating abusive patterns. It is how you stop abandoning yourself. It is how you become unfuckwithable.

    You do not have to shame yourself into change. You do not have to bulldoze your way into strength. You start by reconnecting with the part of you that was never truly broken, just unprotected.

    You already have everything within you. I am just here to remind you.

    Take up space. Speak your truth. And yes, sometimes tell more people to fuck off.

    That is where healing really begins.

  • Will this always happen to me? Breaking the patterns of narcissistic relationships

    In the last post, we talked about why we stayed so long. We unpacked loyalty, nervous system wiring, trauma bonding, and that intoxicating chemistry that can keep even the strongest woman stuck in a high-control relationship. And then comes the question that usually follows. It’s asked quietly. Sometimes with dread. Will this always happen to me?

     

    Listen to the full episode in The Messy Middle Podcast:

    It sounds like self-doubt. But it is not really self-doubt. It is your nervous system asking if it is safe yet.

    Let’s answer it clearly.

    No. You are not cursed. You are not doomed to attract narcissists forever. You are recovering from trauma in a world that normalizes it.

     

    “I’m Just a Narc Magnet” Is Not the Truth

    I hear this all the time. “I’m just a narcissist magnet.”

    You are not a magnet. You were conditioned inside a system.

    Manipulative people are not magical. They are opportunists. From the very first date, they are scanning. Not for love. For leverage.

    They look for empathy. For politeness. For self-doubt. For how much you will tolerate. They might drop a sexist joke. A subtle put-down. A “negging” comment about your looks. Then they watch.

    • Did you swallow it?
    • Did you laugh politely?
    • Did your eyes flicker and your truth disappear?

    It may feel like dinner to you. To them, it can be data gathering.

    They are measuring pushback. Testing boundaries. Assessing whether you will be a safe container for the control they plan to roll out once the hot phase fades.

    It is not romance. It is reconnaissance. And this is why knowing your non-negotiables going in is crucial. But to know them, you have to believe you are worthy of having them.

     

    Abuse Dynamics Education Changes Everything

    One of the Six Keys is abuse dynamics education. When you understand how narcissistic abuse and coercive control actually work, it is like putting on glasses for the first time. You start seeing clearly.

    You realize you were not trained to ask the right questions. You were trained to downplay yourself. To be agreeable. To be low maintenance. Low maintenance is for appliances, not human beings.

    We were raised in a culture that romanticizes self-abandonment. Smile. Be cool. Do not be difficult. Do not ask too much. Pretend you are fine with things you are absolutely not fine with.

    When you start unlearning that conditioning, you stop asking, “Why does this keep happening to me?” and start asking, “What was I never taught to see?” That shift alone is powerful.

     

    Familiarity Feels Like Love, But It Is Often Just Recognition

    Here is something that matters deeply in trauma recovery.

    Your nervous system does not chase joy. It chases what it knows.

    If you grew up earning love. If tension felt normal. If affection was inconsistent. Then a push-pull dynamic will feel like chemistry. When someone mirrors that rhythm, your body exhales. Finally. Something familiar.

    That recognition can feel like destiny. It is usually just pattern. Repetition is not self-sabotage. I actually hate that term. Your body is trying to finish a story. It is trying to close an unfinished loop. It is asking, can we please get this right this time?

    When you meet that impulse with compassion instead of shame, you begin to change everything.

    You cannot hate yourself into lasting change. It does not work.

     

    The Chemistry Myth and Nervous System Healing

    That dizzy, lightning-bolt feeling people call chemistry often is not love. It is your old pattern lighting up.

    Real connection does not fry your circuits. It steadies them. If calm once felt boring to you, that makes sense. Chaos was familiar. Passion was mixed with volatility. Love was unpredictable.

    Part of healing after narcissistic abuse is retraining your nervous system to recognize peace as power. When women begin dating again after doing deep healing work, they sometimes meet someone safe and say, “There’s no spark.” What they often mean is, “He is not controlling me. He is not triggering adrenaline spikes. He is not activating my trauma.”

    That is not a lack of chemistry. That is safety.

    And safety can feel unfamiliar at first.

     

    Healing Changes Your Signal

    When you do the work, inner child healing, quieting the inner critic, strengthening intuition, setting boundaries, somatic healing, energetics, and abuse dynamics education, something shifts.

    Your signal changes.

    • You stop explaining harm.
    • You stop justifying disrespect.
    • You stop laughing off what feels wrong.

    You listen when your body says no. If it is not a fuck yes, it is a fuck no.

    And people who rely on control feel that shift immediately. It is like garlic to a vampire. They cannot feed on you if you are steady in your feet.

    When your safety lives inside you, you are not desperate to be chosen. You are choosing.

     

    The Ladder Effect in Dating After Narcissistic Abuse

    Now let me say something important. Even after healing, you might meet “echoes.” I call it the ladder effect.

    You may date softer versions of your old pattern. Less extreme. Less dangerous. But still familiar in some way. This does not mean you are regressing. It means you are integrating. Think of it as climbing a ladder. Each rung feels a little shaky at first, but you are higher each time. More aware. More grounded. More clear.

    If you went from zero to perfectly healthy overnight, you might not even recognize it. It could feel alien. Sometimes your system needs gradual recalibration. Do not shame yourself for dating echoes. You are finishing your education in human behavior.

    Treat Dating as a Social Experiment

    If you are stepping back into dating after narcissistic abuse, do not treat it as a soulmate hunt. Treat it as a social experiment.

    Observe. Ask brave questions. Notice who listens. Notice who dominates. Notice how they talk about women. Notice how they treat service staff. Pay attention to your body. Is your stomach tight? Is your jaw clenched? Is your breath shallow? That is data.

    You are practicing discernment, not auditioning for love.

    Ask about equal rights. Ask about power dynamics. Watch for performative feminism that still centers him in every conversation.

    You are not there to qualify people. You are there to disqualify quickly.

    That alone will change your experience.

     

    Self-Trust Ends the Pattern

    The pattern does not end because you white-knuckle better choices. It ends because your nervous system learns peace and refuses to trade it. When you no longer need a relationship to feel whole, you step into the most powerful negotiating position possible.

    • You can walk away.
    • You can say no.
    • You can leave.

    And ironically, when you reach that place of self-sufficiency and self-trust, that is often when healthy love finds you. One day peace stops feeling like emptiness and starts feeling like freedom.

    You would rather be alone than uncertain. You would rather be in truth than in almost. That is not bitterness. That is regulation.

     

    So, Will This Always Happen to You?

    No.

    You might meet a few echoes while your nervous system recalibrates. That is normal. That is practice.

    Every time you trust yourself faster.
    Every time you walk away sooner.
    Every time you stay grounded longer.

    You are teaching your body a new normal. You are not broken. You are surviving an outdated pattern. And when peace becomes your baseline, coercive control feels foreign. Your body recognizes it immediately. The alarm bells go off early. You choose differently.

    You stop avoiding life. You start creating one that fits your nervous system. It is not just an upgrade. It is a homecoming.

    Be gentle with yourself while you learn. You are doing something radical. You are rewriting your wiring.

    And that changes everything.

  • Why did I stay so long? Understanding trauma bonds and the shame after leaving

    Why did I stay so long? Understanding trauma bonds and the shame after leaving

    Today, we’re diving into the second of the three questions almost every woman asks after leaving a narcissistic or emotionally abusive relationship. The first question was, How did I not see it? The second one is this: Why did I stay so long?

     

    Listen to the full podcast episode here:

     

    Let’s take a breath, because underneath that question is shame.

    It sounds like curiosity. It sounds reflective. But what most women are actually asking is, What is wrong with me?

    And I want to tell you clearly: there is nothing wrong with you.

     

    Why Do Women Stay in Narcissistic or Abusive Relationships?

    You did not stay because you were weak. You stayed because your nervous system, your history, your hope, and a very sophisticated manipulation pattern were all working at the same time.

    Your body does not care about logic. It cares about safety.

    For a long time, safety may have looked like him. Or her. Or that family member. Or that partner. The energy felt familiar. The chaos felt familiar. The loyalty felt binding. The idea of being in a relationship, of keeping the family together, of not “failing,” all of that gets tangled up together.

    If you grew up around emotional volatility, your system may equate adrenaline with connection. The highs and lows can feel like intimacy. The push and pull can feel like chemistry.

    You did not stay because you loved chaos. You stayed because your body learned that chaos was love.

    That programming runs deep. It is muscle memory. You keep trying to win the same game that once kept you alive. And when you finally see it, you cannot unsee it.

     

    Trauma Bonding and the Intermittent Reward Cycle

    One of the biggest reasons women stay in emotionally abusive relationships is trauma bonding.

    Abuse often follows the same biochemical pattern as addiction. It mirrors gambling. You never know when the next hit of affection is coming.

    • A perfect weekend.
    • An apology.
    • A promise to get help.
    • A tiny breadcrumb of the version of them you fell in love with.

    Your brain records those moments as proof. It floods your system with dopamine, oxytocin, cortisol. That cocktail creates relief. Recognition. Hope.

    You think, We’re back. It’s changing. I wasn’t imagining it. It is intoxicating. Not because you are foolish, but because you are wired for connection and empathy. You fill in the gaps with potential. You want to believe the good version is real.

    Hope becomes the leash. The unpredictability keeps you hooked. And every time you try to leave, your body goes into withdrawal. That is not weakness. That is biochemical.

     

    The Inner Child and the “Do-Over” Fantasy

    Here is where it gets even deeper. Whose love did you crave the most growing up? Who did you have to be to receive it? That pattern does not disappear in adulthood. It just changes costume.

    Many women stay because the relationship becomes a subconscious do over. This time I will be enough. This time I will get it right. This time I will finally be chosen.

    Leaving can feel like your inner child losing her shot at redemption. It feels like failure. That pull is powerful. It is emotional. It is somatic. And it makes sense.

     

    Cultural Conditioning: Why Women Are Taught to Endure

    We are raised in cultures that glorify endurance, especially for women. We are taught that long relationships equal success. That forgiveness equals maturity. That self sacrifice equals love. That longevity equals strength.

    It does not. Love does not equal how long you can tolerate being diminished. Endurance is not intimacy. Staying at all costs is not virtue.

    Movies romanticize relentless pursuit. Religion glorifies sacrifice. Society trains women to fix, empathize, and hold everything together until they disappear. So of course you stayed. You were following the rulebook.

    You just did not realize the rulebook was written by systems that benefit from your silence and your emotional labor.

     

    Isolation, Gaslighting, and Losing Perspective

    Abusers isolate. Slowly. Strategically.

    They distance you from people who see through them. They make you question your memory. They reframe reality. They undermine your support system.

    By the time you are considering leaving, your world has shrunk. You have fewer mirrors reflecting your truth. Without reflection, perspective collapses.

    That is not stupidity. That is psychological conditioning.

    You stayed because the outside world felt smaller and more uncertain than the one you were surviving inside.

     

    The Shame Loop: “I’ve Already Stayed Too Long”

    Then comes the shame loop. You defended them. You smoothed things over. You told people it was better now. You gave it another chance. Maybe several.

    At some point, leaving feels socially humiliating. You think, If I leave now, people will think I’m flaky. I’ve already invested too much. I’ve said it’s fine.

    That shame keeps the door locked. And abusers know it.

    Research shows it can take seven to twelve attempts to leave an abusive relationship. Not because women are indecisive, but because leaving is not a logical event.

    It is a nervous system event.

    There is a tipping point. A cellular exhaustion. A moment when the pain of staying finally outweighs the fear of leaving. That moment does not come from your neck up. It comes from your body.

     

    You Did Not Waste Time

    Almost every woman says, “I wasted years.”

    You did not waste anything. You were gathering data. You were learning your threshold. You were waking up at the pace your nervous system could handle. You are not behind. You are not broken. You are not foolish.

    You loved deeply. You hoped fiercely. You survived something designed to keep you blind. And now you see.

     

    Healing From Narcissistic Abuse Starts With Self Trust

    If you are still in it, or somewhere between attempts, I am not judging you. I know how long this can take.

    Keep building small somatic anchors of safety. Keep checking in with your body. Keep questioning the conditioning that taught you endurance was love. And when you need to rest, rest.

    You did not stay because you were weak. You stayed because you were loyal, empathetic, hopeful, trauma trained, and chemically hijacked in a dynamic that was never built on equal ground.

    The strength is not how long you endured. The strength is that you can see it now. The strength is that you are choosing yourself.

    Next time, we are answering the third question every survivor asks: Will this always happen to me?

    Until then, stay with me in the messy middle. You are not alone.

  • How did I not see it? Narcissistic abuse red flags

    How did I not see it? Narcissistic abuse red flags

    The first question is the one that tends to carry the most shame after leaving narcissistic abuse: How did I not see it?

    The second is, why did it take me so long to leave?
    And the third is, will this always happen to me?

    Let’s start with the first one, because this is where so much self blame lives.

     

    Listen to the full podcast episode here:

     

    If you are asking yourself how you missed the red flags in a narcissistic or emotionally abusive relationship, I want to qualify something immediately. This is not a “you are dumb” thing. This is not a “you are gullible” thing. The people who ask me this question are intelligent, capable, emotionally aware, empathetic women. They are thoughtful. They are curious. They are not naive.

    You did not miss it because you are stupid. You missed it because you were not trained to look for it.

    How Did I Not See It? Narcissistic Abuse, Red Flags, and the Truth About Trauma Bonding

    You Were Building Connection. They Were Gathering Intel.

    When you meet someone and you are relating, connecting, sharing parts of your story, you assume the other person is doing the same. You assume mutual vulnerability. You assume sincerity.

    Who would think that while you were opening up about your childhood, your most painful moments, your fears, your dreams, they were performing? That they had an agenda? That they were gathering information that could later be weaponized?

    And yet, this is exactly how many high control or narcissistic relationships begin.

    It often starts with intense interest. They ask about your trauma. They ask about your childhood. They want to know your deepest wounds. If you are someone who has not always felt deeply seen, this feels intoxicating. It feels like balm to the soul.

    But while you are bonding, they may be building a user manual.

    The early red flags are usually there. Calling you their soulmate within weeks. Talking about moving in together almost immediately. Wanting to spend every second together. Mirroring your values, your language, your dreams. It feels magical. It feels like fate.

    Especially if you have been starved for affection or validation, it feels incredible.

    It is not blindness. It is being human in the presence of someone who may not be operating with the same humanity.

     

    The Charm Offensive and the Mask

    One of the hardest parts of narcissistic abuse recovery is accepting that the person at the end of the relationship is often who they really are. The person at the beginning was a fabricated version. The charm offensive is strategic.

    That does not mean they are sitting there with a whiteboard planning evil schemes. Manipulation can be instinctive. It can be ingrained. But the effect is the same.

    The beginning is intense connection. The end is control, criticism, distance, and sometimes outright cruelty.

    And when you look back, you feel that horrible settling thud in your soul. It was never what I thought it was.

    That realization is devastating.

    Because if it was not real from the start, what does that mean about you? About your judgment? About your worth?

    That is where the grief lives. Not just grief for the person. Grief for the version of you who believed in it. The future you imagined. The milestones you pictured. The life you thought you were building.

    Denial Is a Nervous System Protection

    There is often a period where you go in circles asking, “Why would they do this?”

    • Why lie?
    • Why manipulate?
    • Why cheat?
    • Why control?

    You try to rationalize it. You try to find a reason that fits your worldview. Because if they did it intentionally, that is almost too much to bear.

    Denial is not stupidity. It is nervous system protection.

    As children, connection equals survival. Being cast out from the tribe once meant death. So when an adult partner betrays or deceives you, it echoes that ancient fear. Your system wants to protect you from fully absorbing that reality.

    Because if you take it deeper, what does it mean?
    If you take it deeper again, what does that mean?

    For many women, the core fear becomes: I am unlovable. I am not worth honesty. I am not worth safety.

    That is why the truth can feel like it weighs a thousand pounds.

     

    You Are Not Wired to Scan for Danger in the Shape of Charm

    Most empathetic, open hearted people do not walk into new relationships scanning for covert manipulators. You assume that love means good intentions. You assume that kind words mean sincerity.

    That assumption is beautiful. It is also the exact entry point for someone who wants control.

    When people ask, “How did I not see the red flags?” I often ask them to look at what their body thought was happening.

    Your mind may have noticed little inconsistencies. A comment that did not sit right. A joke that stung. A moment of possessiveness that felt off. But your nervous system was flooded with connection, attention, and familiarity.

    And familiarity is powerful.

    Your body does not always choose what is healthy. It chooses what it recognizes.

     

    Childhood Conditioning and Trauma Bonds

    Whose love did you crave the most as a child? Not necessarily who gave it to you. But whose love felt hardest to secure?

    And who did you have to be to receive it?

    • Invisible.
    • Perfect.
    • Quiet.
    • Agreeable.
    • Beautiful.
    • High achieving.
    • Not “too much.”

    Whoever you had to be to survive or be loved becomes the template your nervous system follows.

    So when you meet someone who activates that same need to earn love, to prove, to manage moods, to walk on eggshells, your body lights up. It says, “Ah, yes. I know this. This is love.”

    It is not love. It is conditioning. If you grew up around volatility, criticism, dominance, or emotional withdrawal, adrenaline can feel like intimacy. A rollercoaster can feel like chemistry. Chaos can feel like home.

    That is not a conscious choice. It is loyalty to your survival map.

     

    Intermittent Reinforcement and Trauma Bonding

    The hot and cold cycle is one of the most powerful elements of narcissistic abuse.

    Love bombing.
    Distance.
    Apology.
    One magical night.
    Silent treatment again.

    This is intermittent reinforcement. It is the same psychological mechanism that keeps gamblers at slot machines. Your brain chases the win. Dopamine, cortisol, oxytocin swirl together into chemical chaos that masquerades as passion.

    You are not just emotionally attached. You are biochemically hooked.

    So when you leave, it can feel like detox. Your body reacts like you are withdrawing from a drug. Because in many ways, you are.

    Gaslighting and the System That Minimizes Abuse

    Add gaslighting into the mix and your sense of reality starts to fracture. Therapists may say communicate more. Churches may say forgive. Friends may say at least he did not hit you.

    Emotional abuse gets minimized constantly. Coercive control is rarely named for what it is.

    So when you finally see it, you feel crazy. Because your clarity is colliding with everyone else’s denial.

    Then comes the snowfall moment. All your memories shift. What you thought was love reveals itself as control. What you thought was passion reveals itself as manipulation.

    And the grief hits hard.

     

    Training Your Nervous System for Healthy Love

    Healing from narcissistic abuse is not just about understanding red flags intellectually. It is about retraining your nervous system.

    When women begin dating again after doing deep healing work, something fascinating happens. They meet someone safe and say, “There’s no passion.” What they often mean is, “He is not controlling me. He is not jealous. He is not creating adrenaline spikes.”

    Safety can feel boring if you are used to chaos. Your system has to relearn that calm is not danger. That consistency is not weakness. That respect is not a lack of chemistry. This is the work.

    Small daily acts of self trust. Checking in with your body. Noticing when you override your intuition. Listening to subtle cues in conversations. Testing your knowing in low stakes situations.

    You are not broken. You are a highly sensitive, intuitive human who was conditioned in a world that rewards the wrong things and often romanticizes control.

     

    Stop Blaming Yourself

    You did know something was off. There was likely a flicker. A moment. A red flag you talked yourself out of.

    But you were trained to give chances. To keep the peace. To prioritize connection over clarity. That is not weakness. That is intelligence under threat.

    So please stop blaming yourself.

    Thank the version of you who survived with the information she had. Tell her she did an incredible job.

    Your body is finally catching up to what your soul has known all along.

    You are not broken. You are not stupid. You are not gullible.

    You were surviving someone else’s bullshit.

    And now you are waking up.

    In the next episode, we will unpack the second question:
    Why did it take me so long to mobilize and leave?

    Until then, welcome home to yourself.

  • Break free from conditional love patterns

    Let’s talk about conditional love—because if you’ve been through narcissistic abuse, high-control dynamics, or just grew up in a family where love came with strings attached, this one runs deep.  How to break free from conditional love patterns?

     

    It doesn’t even have to be within your consciousness from your background. It can be societal conditioning, so deeply and unconsciously ingrained in you. The ‘good girl’ ethos that seeps into our very pores from day 1 that we barely know is there (think that pivotal Barbie speech).

    Conditional love is the kind that says:

    • “I love you when you’re easy to be around.”
    • “I love you when you’re successful, helpful, accommodating.”
    • “I love you when you don’t have needs, emotions, boundaries, or opinions that challenge me.”
    • “I love you when you are beautiful, fit, thin.”
    • “I love you when I can make you responsible for my emotional state.” (oof)

    It’s the kind of love that made you work for approval. It trained you to perform, perfect, and please just to feel safe in a relationship. And the worst part? Even after you see it, even after you name it—it can still feel like home.

    Because conditional love isn’t just a memory. It becomes a blueprint.

    How Conditional Love Shows Up in Adulthood

    It doesn’t matter how successful, self-aware, or independent you are—if this is your wiring, it’s likely still playing out:

    • You overthink every text to make sure it lands just right
    • You apologize for your feelings before you even share them
    • You people-please at the expense of your peace
    • You struggle to receive love without trying to earn it
    • You feel deep anxiety or guilt when setting a boundary
    • You chase emotionally unavailable people because they feel “familiar”
    • You stay in breadcrumb relationships—that one compliment, that one flirty message, that one hit of attention is just enough to keep you hooked, hoping more is coming
    • You dull your shine. You keep yourself just a little smaller—less successful, less joyful, less radiant—because deep down, you know your bigness would intimidate them. And you’re afraid they’d leave.

    Conditional love tells you: “If you stop performing, they’ll leave.”

    So your nervous system learns: love equals pressure. Love equals performing. Love equals shrinking.

    Why It’s So Hard to Let Go Of

    Because your body thinks this is love. Your nervous system associates that high-stakes, low-safety dynamic with connection.

    So when you meet someone safe, someone emotionally available, someone who doesn’t require you to hustle for affection? It can feel… boring. Uncomfortable. Even wrong. Red flags feel like green and green feel like red 🚦 aaagggh. Peaceful and regulated feels like they don’t have enough ‘passion’… yeesh. It’s really because they don’t have an undercurrent of control, distance or danger—and that is a GOOD thing!

    You might start to self-sabotage. Pull away. Or feel like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    This doesn’t mean you’re messed up. It means your inner child learned to trade authenticity for attachment—and your body is still running that program.

    How to Start Breaking Free

    Healing from conditional love patterns means choosing self-loyalty over self-abandonment—over and over again.

    1. Name It Without Shame

    Start noticing the moments you shrink, perform, or self-edit.

    • “I’m pretending to be okay right now so they don’t get upset.”
    • “I’m about to say yes just so they won’t be mad.”
    • “I’m afraid if I say how I feel, they’ll pull away.”

    Name it. Gently. Without judgment. Awareness is the start of change. Be very conscious of giving yourself grace, kindness, and compassion—always.

    2. Give Yourself What You Keep Chasing

    Every time you try to earn someone’s love, ask: “What am I actually craving here?”

    Validation? Safety? Being chosen?

    Then ask: “Can I give myself a piece of that right now?”

    Conditional love patterns are fueled by unmet needs. Meeting those needs internally, even just a little, starts to shift the cycle.

    3. Get Intimate With Discomfort

    Safe love might feel awkward. Calm might feel unnerving. Receiving without giving back might feel unbearable.

    Sit with it. Breathe through it. Let it be uncomfortable and choose it anyway.

    This is what re-patterning feels like. Not perfect. Just new.

    4. Practice Unconditional Self-Respect

    You don’t have to “feel worthy” to stop self-abandoning. You don’t need 100% confidence to set a boundary. You don’t have to be fully healed to walk away from crumbs.

    Start acting like someone who is worthy, even if it’s shaky at first. The feelings often follow the action.

    5. Rewire Your Nervous System’s Definition of Love

    This is the deep work. This is where somatics and nervous system healing come in. Your brain may know what healthy love looks like, but your body might still panic when it shows up.

    • Grounding
    • Breathwork
    • Inner child work
    • Somatic resourcing
    • Trauma-informed relationship repair

    These aren’t just buzzwords. They’re how we teach your body a new definition of love—one that doesn’t require you to disappear. I have been teaching people to do this for a decade and a half, before it was trendy—and I can honestly say, it is a portal to a reclamation of who you are, layer by layer.

    You’re Allowed to Be Loved Without Performance

    You don’t have to be the most helpful, the most impressive, the most accommodating person in the room to be worthy of love.

    You’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to have needs. You’re allowed to stop trying so hard.

    The version of you that had to earn love? That was survival.

    There will be people who refuse to give up their conditions and the benefit they receive from how the relationship functioned before, of course. It is often sad, but let them go. Your patterns may panic at first, but the absence of such people mostly brings more peace than you could have anticipated—so not so sad. And oooohh the exhale you feel with your whole body and soul when proximity to eggshell folks kicks in!

    But now? You get to learn how to receive it.

    We’re not here to keep performing for scraps. We’re here to take our seat at the damn table.

    Let them be intimidated by your joy. Let them choke on your wholeness. You’re not here to be palatable. You’re here to be powerful.

    And when you’re ready to untangle this in a deep, embodied way—you don’t have to do it alone.

    This is exactly the kind of work we do inside the 6 Keys to Unfuckwithable. Especially in the Inner Child, Boundaries, and Nervous System modules.

  • Emotional Regulation Strategies for abuse survivors

    Let’s just say it: emotional regulation isn’t about “calming down.” So what are some emotional regulation strategies for abuse survivors that actually work?

     

    It’s not about shoving your feelings down, smiling through the storm, or taking deep breaths while someone disrespects you.

    In fact—not every emotion needs to be regulated.

    Some emotions need to be felt, fully. Some need to move through you like a wave. Some need to erupt like a volcano. Some need to be witnessed, not smoothed out.

    So if you’ve ever used emotional regulation tools as a way to make yourself more “tolerable” to others? Or to skip past your anger, your grief, your fire just so you can seem okay on the outside? This blog is here to challenge that.

    This isn’t about bypassing your truth. This is about you having the tools to hold your truth without burning up inside it.

    If you’ve survived narcissistic abuse, high-control relationships, or trauma that left your nervous system spinning—regulating your emotions sometimes isn’t optional. It’s survival work.

    Because when your body has learned that love is unpredictable, that safety is conditional, and that you are responsible for other people’s feelings, your nervous system doesn’t care how smart or self-aware you are. It only cares about survival.

    So here’s how we stop white-knuckling our way through dysregulation and start actually learning how to feel safe inside ourselves again.

    First: What Emotional Dysregulation Looks Like in Abuse Survivors

    It’s not always big, dramatic breakdowns. Most often, it shows up in micro ways:

    • You shut down or freeze when conflict starts—even when you want to speak up
    • You obsess over texts, tone, or silence, reading between the lines until you can’t think straight
    • You cry at “inappropriate” times, not because you’re weak—but because your body hits overload
    • You swing between numb and overwhelmed, often in the same hour
    • You try to intellectualize your emotions instead of feeling them
    • You find it hard to relax even in safe situations—your body is still waiting for impact

    This isn’t you being “too sensitive” or “too much.” This is your nervous system stuck in survival mode.

    So What Is Emotional Regulation?

    Emotional regulation isn’t about suppressing emotions—it’s about building the capacity to feel without getting hijacked.

    It means:

    • Being able to feel anger without imploding or exploding. In fact, using anger for fuel in the tank to stand up for yourself is a F*ck YES for me!
    • Staying present through fear or sadness without shutting down
    • Knowing how to come back to your center after being triggered—yourself being a loving place to land
    • And most importantly: teaching your body that you are safe now. Even if it wasn’t safe before.

    Strategies That Actually Work (Especially If You Have a Trauma History)

    These aren’t one-size-fits-all. They’re here for you to try, tweak, and return to. Think of them as tools, not rules. Use them when you feel they serve your healing—not when you feel like you “should” be fine for someone else’s comfort.

    1. Orienting to Safety

    Your nervous system responds to your environment. When you feel anxious, look around and actively notice what’s neutral or safe:

    • Name 3 things you see
    • Name 3 sounds you hear
    • Place one hand on a surface and name the texture

    This signals to your body: “We are here. We are now. And we are safe.”

    2. Name the State, Not Just the Feeling

    Instead of just “I’m anxious,” try:

    • “My body feels like it’s bracing for something.”
    • “I’m in a freeze response.”
    • “This feels familiar—like I’m back in that old survival pattern.”

    When we name what’s happening in the body, we create separation from the story—and more capacity to stay with it.

    3. Use Rhythm to Regulate

    Rhythmic movement or sound helps the nervous system downshift. Try:

    • Walking while counting your steps
    • Drumming your hands on your thighs or chest
    • Rocking gently side to side

    The body loves rhythm. It’s primal. It tells your system: we’re okay now.

    4. Low-Impact Vagal Toning

    You don’t have to do complex breathwork. Try:

    • Humming (long, low hums)
    • Gargling water
    • Splashing cold water on your face
    • Placing your hands and wrists in cold water, and putting your tongue on the roof of your mouth

    These stimulate the vagus nerve and help bring your body back into regulation gently.

    5. Containment: Holding, Not Suppressing

    Sometimes the emotion is too big to fully process in the moment. That’s okay. Try “containing” it:

    • Visualize putting the feeling in a jar or box temporarily
    • Say: “I will come back to this later, when I have space.”
    • Place both hands on opposite arms and apply gentle pressure

    You’re not ignoring it, you’re telling your system, “I can hold this safely now, on my terms.”

    6. Track the Shift

    After you try a regulation practice, pause and notice what changed.

    • Is your breathing slower?
    • Are your shoulders lower?
    • Is there more space inside?

    Tracking helps your brain link the practice with the payoff. That’s how we build trust with our bodies again. Also, noticing if you feel good or calm when you are in certain body positions means you can reverse engineer that anytime you wish.

    This Is a Practice, Not a Performance

    You won’t get this “right.” You don’t need to.

    You just need to begin. To build a bridge back to your body. To offer yourself presence, instead of panic.

    Emotional regulation isn’t about fixing your feelings. It’s about creating safety inside yourself, one gentle moment at a time.

    And when you’re ready, there’s deeper work you can do. This is exactly the kind of work I guide survivors through inside the 6 Keys to Unfuckwithable—especially in the Nervous System, Boundaries, and Inner Child modules.

    You’re not too much. You’re just carrying too much without the tools to hold it.

    Let’s change that. Together.

  • 9 subtle signs of manipulation to look out for

    Not all manipulation looks like yelling, name-calling, or blatant control. Let’s talk about some subtle signs of manipulation to look out for.

    Some of the most dangerous dynamics are subtle – just enough to keep you second-guessing yourself.

    Related read: Signs of coercive control in relationships 

     

     

    Subtle signs of manipulation to look out for

    Here are a few less obvious, but deeply exhausting control tactics to look out for:

    • You think ten steps ahead before speaking or acting, trying to predict and prevent their reactions. IT. IS. EXHAUSTING.
    • Sleep deprivation – they pick fights or want to “talk” late into the night when you’re too tired to think straight.
    • Big days become sabotage opportunities – birthdays, holidays, achievements get hijacked or ruined. They pick fights, make scenes, or disappear. Somehow, it always ends up about them.
    • Jealousy masquerading as concern = they accuse you of flirting, looking at someone, or “ignoring” them any time you’re happy, social, or shining. Refusing to celebrate your wins -when you’re up, they’re cold.
    • When you’re glowing, they cut you down. You start shrinking to avoid the backlash.
    • Weaponized ‘hurt feelings’ – you mention something that upset you, and suddenly they’re the victim. You end up comforting them for the harm they caused.
    • “I was just joking” as a get-out-of-jail-free card – they mock or insult you, then blame your reaction for ruining the moment.
    • So called ‘Schrodingers Douchebag’ by the Urban dictionary (love).
    • Shifting standards – you do exactly what they asked last week, but now it’s wrong. You can never win, because the rules keep changing.

    These are all ways control gets disguised as concern, closeness, or “just being honest.” They mess with your sense of reality, drain your energy, and make you question your own damn needs.

     

     

    What you can do about it (even if you’re not ready to leave yet) 

    Start naming the patterns

    Even just to yourself. Keep a notes file. Use words like “DARVO”, “breadcrumbing”, or “gaslighting”. Language gives you clarity.

    Validate your own experience

    You don’t need anyone else to agree with you for it to be real. If it feels off, that’s your data. Seek a safe space with people, or a guide who knows what the F you are dealing with (hello, my name’s Erika).

    Explore my free Meetups here.

    Ground in reality

    When your brain is spinning, anchor yourself:

    • What do I know for sure?
    • What actually happened?
    • What do I feel in my body right now?

    Write it out somewhere (secret), as revisiting the patterns in full can be eye-opening and very affirming.

    Reduce emotional reactivity

    Manipulators thrive off your reactivity. You can regulate not to please them – but to stay rooted in yourself.

    Get support from safe people

    You don’t have to explain this to people who don’t get it. But there are people who do. Find them. Talk to them. Let them mirror back the truth.

    You’re Not Overreacting. You’re Waking Up. Being manipulated doesn’t mean you’re weak – it means someone exploited your empathy, your desire to connect, your willingness to try.

    You’re a decent F*cking person who wants to think the best of people. And now? You get to reclaim your clarity. Your instincts. Your self.

    You’re not crazy. You’re not imagining it. And you’re not alone.

    Let’s name the games – and stop playing them This is exactly the kind of work I guide survivors through inside the 6 Keys to Unfuckwithable – especially the Abuse Dynamics, Boundaries, and Nervous System pieces.

     

    Ready for the next step in your healing journey?

    🔓 Join Thrive Resource Library for only $7/monthly to receive access to trauma-informed guides and resources that will help you to recognize abuse and learn the first steps to take in your healing journey.

    💬 Book your 1:1 Laser Coaching Session with me to get a chance to do a deep-dive in your story and evaluate what is the next best step to take.

    For more content follow @theerikaleon on Instagram.

  • Identifying manipulation tactics in relationships (so you stop questioning your sanity)

    Do you find yourself repeatedly questioning your sanity? It’s time to talk about identifying manipulation strategies in relationships – so you can spot them a mile away!

    Let’s get real – manipulation doesn’t always look like control or domination. Most of the time, it looks like confusion.

    Like walking away from a conversation unsure what just happened. Like feeling bad, even when you did nothing wrong. If you’ve been in a relationship where you constantly feel like the problem, where the goalposts keep moving, or where your words are always twisted, you’re not “too sensitive” – you’re likely being manipulated.

    And the worst part? The longer it happens, the more it erodes your self-trust. It starts almost imperceptibly and builds – one small denial or minimizing of your experience at a time.

    This guide is here to help you spot the patterns, call them by name, and start trusting your f*cking instincts again. Your internal compass knows sh*t. It often just has trouble getting your trust enough to act FOR your best interests and bypass your attachment and nervous systems.

     

     

    What is manipulation?

    Manipulation is covert control – a pattern of behavior designed to influence you, guilt you, confuse you, or push you into doing what someone else wants… without them having to say it outright.

    It’s not always obvious. In fact, manipulation thrives in the grey areas.

    It leaves you second-guessing, replaying conversations, and explaining yourself over and over. Like the science experiment frog in the gradual, but increasingly warm water; that poor little dude doesn’t know he’s been boiled alive until he is floating on the top.

    Common manipulation tactics

    Manipulation tactic no.1: Gaslighting

    I know, I know – the term “gaslighting” is thrown around so much these days that it might make your eyes roll. But stick with me.

    The term actually comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her own reality by doing things like dimming the gas lights in their home and then denying that the lights changed at all.

    It’s a masterclass in psychological manipulation.

    In real life, gaslighting can be just as insidious. It’s not always as overt as someone telling you you’re crazy. It’s denying your reality, distorting the facts, or making you feel like you’re imagining things…the subtle undermining of your perception:​

    • “I never said that.” (when you know they did)​
    • “You’re just being overly sensitive.”​
    • “That never happened.”​
    • “You’re remembering it wrong.”

    Over time, these comments erode your self-trust, making you question your own memories and feelings.

    You might start to feel like you’re losing your grip on reality, just like Ingrid Bergman’s character in Gaslight.​

    Red flag: You start recording conversations or writing things down because you’re not sure what’s real anymore. If you are Googling someone’s behavior or how you feel around them – it ain’t a GOOD sign!

     

    Manipulation tactic no.2: Guilt-Tripping

    They make you feel bad for having boundaries, needs, or feelings.

    • “After everything I’ve done for you…”
    • “Wow, I guess I just don’t matter to you.”
    • “I guess I am the worst partner/parent in the world then huh?”

    Red flag: You find yourself saying yes when you mean no – just to avoid the guilt hangover. You feel that churning in your stomach, feeling like a monster, with ‘Ugh I shouldn’t have said anything’ replaying in your mind.

     

    Manipulation tactic no.3: Silent Treatment & Withholding

    They go cold, withdraw, or give you the silent treatment as punishment. Freeze you out completely, or withdraw affection, words or touch until you can’t take it and capitulate. No response. No eye contact. Just coldness until you “fix it.”

    Red flag: You’re constantly apologizing just to get connection back, even when you don’t know what you did wrong. Every cell in you screaming with the primal feeling that you will be cast out, rejected and abandoned.

     

    Manipulation tactic no.4: Love-Bombing Then Devaluation

    They start off overly affectionate, obsessed, all-in. Then suddenly? Cold, critical, disinterested.

    “You’re my soulmate” turns into “You’re too much” overnight.

    Red flag: You’re stuck chasing the version of them that showed up at the beginning. Not only confusing, but disorienting and craving the next time you will earn a crumb of approval.

     

    Manipulation tactic no.5: DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender)

    When you bring up something they did, they flip it so you end up defending yourself.

    You: “It hurt when you ignored me.”

    Them: “Wow, you’re attacking me again. I can’t do anything right with you.” “I feel like I am never going to be able to please you, meet your standards”

    Red flag: Every conversation ends with you feeling like the bad guy, and them the hurt party.

     

    Manipulation tactic no.6: Triangulation

    They bring in third parties (real or imagined) to make you feel jealous, insecure, or like you’re competing for their attention.

    • “Well, my ex never had a problem with this.”
    • “Even my therapist thinks you’re overreacting.”

    Red flag: You start feeling like you have to earn your place. Like love is a competition.

     

    Manipulation tactic no.7: Intermittent Reinforcement (Breadcrumbing)

    They give you just enough affection, attention, or approval to keep you hooked but never enough for true stability.

    One day, they’re sweet. The next, they’re distant. Rinse and repeat.

    Red flag: You feel addicted to the highs and devastated by the lows but you can’t let go. This often is so impactful if you have grown up chasing love from a parent or caregiver that you felt was just out of reach.

     

    How to know if it’s manipulation or miscommunication

    • You feel worse about yourself after most interactions
    • You explain the same things over and over and still get misunderstood
    • You’re scared to bring things up because you already know how they’ll react
    • You doubt your own memory, needs, or reactions more and more
    • If you’re constantly feeling confused, drained, or like you’re walking on eggshells – it’s not just poor communication. It’s emotional manipulation.

     

     

    Ready for the next step in your healing journey?

    🔓 Join Thrive Resource Library for only $7/monthly to receive access to trauma-informed guides and resources that will help you to recognize abuse and learn the first steps to take in your healing journey.

    💬 Book your 1:1 Laser Coaching Session with me to get a chance to do a deep-dive in your story and evaluate what is the next best step to take.

    For more content follow @theerikaleon on Instagram.

  • Inner Child healing exercises that actually work

    Let’s talk about inner child healing – without the fluff, the baby photos, or pretending you’re fine sobbing into a journal while visualizing yourself at age five (although I do love the photo thing to be honest). What are some Inner Child healing exercises that actually work? 

     

    Here’s the truth: inner child work isn’t really some lofty concept or spiritual buzzword. It’s trauma healing in action. It’s about reconnecting with the parts of you that had to split off, shut down, or grow up too fast to survive. And if you’ve been through narcissistic abuse; especially from a parent or partner, your inner child is likely running the show more than you realize.

    There’s nothing wrong with you, you ADAPTED. Your system is always seeking safety – and when young, it is quite rigid and black and white about how it does that. You don’t need fixing. You need care, safety, and connection

     

    So What Is Inner Child Healing, Really?

    Your inner child is the collection of emotional imprints and nervous system responses you picked up when you were small. It’s the version of you who:

    • Learned that love had to be earned
    • Believed their needs were too much
    • Got punished for having emotions
    • Was the peacekeeper, the fixer, the one who made things okay for everyone else

    Fast-forward to adulthood, and that same energy shows up in micro ways:

    • You overthink every text before hitting send
    • You shut down when someone’s disappointed in you
    • You feel ashamed for having needs at all
    • You keep dating people who trigger the same old wounds

    Inner child healing is about giving that younger You what they never got – safety, attunement, permission, boundaries, and unconditional care. Not as a mental exercise, but as a felt experience in the body.

     

    Signs Your Inner Child Is Calling the Shots

    If you’re a high achiever, here’s where it gets tricky. You’re probably crushing it at work, but secretly:

    • You’re terrified of disappointing people
    • You say yes when you mean no (then beat yourself up after)
    • You can hold space for everyone – except yourself
    • You feel frozen or panicked in conflict, even when you logically know better

    That’s not you being weak. That’s your inner child trying to keep you safe the only way they know how.

     

     

    Inner Child Healing Exercises That Actually Help

    Here are a few of the nervous-system-informed, trauma-aware practices I teach in my work that don’t require pretending or pushing:

     

    1. Inner Child Check-Ins

    When you notice you’re spiraling, ask: “How old do I feel right now?”

    This simple question builds awareness and helps you shift from reacting as the child to responding to the child.

    Example: You feel rejected after a short text from someone you’re dating. You pause and realize, “I feel about seven.” That awareness alone is powerful.

     

    2. Create Safety Through Sensation

    Instead of trying to “think” your way into safety, use somatic anchors:

    • Wrap yourself in a heavy blanket
    • Hold a warm mug
    • Lie down with one hand on your heart, one on your belly

    Then say (out loud if you can): “You’re safe now. I’ve got you.”

    Your nervous system doesn’t respond to logic – it responds to felt safety. Think nervous system first, story second.

     

    3. Reparenting With Boundaries

    Every time you say “no” when you used to say “yes,” or pause before jumping to fix something…that’s reparenting. That’s telling your inner child: “You don’t have to self-abandon to be loved anymore.”

    Start small:

    • Decline a call when you’re not available
    • Say “I need time to think about it” instead of rushing a yes
    • Let someone else handle their own discomfort

    Boundaries aren’t about being mean. They’re about creating predictability and protection—what your inner child needed and didn’t get.

     

     

    4. Inner Child Voice Journaling

    Write out a dialogue between “adult you” and “kid you.” Ask your inner child how they feel, and let them respond. No filter. No judgment.

    Then write back with love, boundaries, and clarity.

    This builds internal trust and starts to rewire your default patterns. When the child feels heard, the adult can lead.

     

    5. Catch the Shame Spiral – And Interrupt It

    Inner child wounds are wired to shame. That means every time you make a mistake, get feedback, or feel misunderstood, shame is likely your first stop.

    Instead of spiraling:

    • Name it: “This is shame.”
    • Ground yourself: feet on floor, slow breath
    • Say: “There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m allowed to mess up and still be worthy.”

    Repeat as many times as needed. Shame thrives in silence – interrupting it is radical.

     

    Bonus: Look at Photos of Younger You

    Yes, really. Take a moment to look at a photo of yourself as a child. See if you can do it without criticism or bypassing. Just look. Let it land: That was you. That still is you.

    This practice helps soften the freeze and create connection. The goal isn’t to feel pity – it’s to build relationship.

     

    Inner Child Work Isn’t Optional – It’s Foundational

    If you’ve been through emotional abuse, coercive control, or had to perform for love as a kid, this work isn’t just helpful – it’s necessary. It’s not about “fixing” yourself. It’s about meeting the parts of you that were never seen.

    You don’t have to heal it all at once. You don’t need to do it perfectly. You just need to start showing up- even in small, imperfect ways – as the adult your inner child has been waiting for.

     

    Ready for the Next Step?

    This is the work I guide my clients through inside my 6 Keys to Unfuckwithable framework – especially the Inner Childand Somatic/Nervous System keys.

    You’re not a mess – you’ve been surviving in ways that make sense. And you’re absolutely not alone.

    When you’re ready, we can do this work together.

    Or get started on your own:

    • The 6 Keys to Unfu*kwithable – explore the exact key steps to work through in your healing journey, backed by more than 10k hours of real-life client experiences
    • The Somatic Keys – get practical exercises to do for each of the 6 key areas! This is a powerful day-to-day work you can return to repeatedly!